C.A.: Superhero or OMG-THEY'RE-SO-DAMN-COOL-Superhero?

With power comes great responsibility.

Especially if you see us wearing this badge: don't mess with us or we'll make you throw the rubbish when the monkeys are in heat.

Another 14 days in Outward Bound...and in terms of personal physical disfiguration, i doubt it'll be any different from the 5 other times that i've been there. i foresee millions upon millions of mosquitoe bites, big bad nasty bruise patches and of course smatterings of leech marks thrown in for good measure.

Ahh..can you not FEEL the love i have for the place? MMmmm...Homeward Bound..I MEAN! MMmmm...Outward Bound. I love OB..yesyesyes i do!

Ok people, don't have too much fun while i'm not around...don't get too drunk and don't let penyu do embarassing things while i'm not around to see. i'll see you guys in 14 days!

-hmmm..karen skarang kat mana ni?-

Who will join us now at Outward Bound
Who will join us now..

Rumusan.

It's been a full week since coming home. And I'm dreading the part where each day turns into night to become day again because this means that I'm just that bit much closer to flying away once more. But no more of such gloomy talk. I've had my roti sardin, my pan mee, my two free cocktails and tequila chocolates, my cursory glance at all the shops in MidValley and 1Utama, I've driven both cars except the Perdana which still and always will remain untouchable and of course, my shisha session.

I should be so satisfied.

Going off to OBS on Tuesday, which is tomorrow by the way..since it's now 12:39 a.m. on an early Monday morning. OH SHIT! And I was supposed to pack tonight last night. Damned Mr&Mrs Smith on StarMovies. It's quite a good movie, by the way. I now realise why half of the female population on Earth are willing to die just to kiss those lips...and I'm not just talking about Mr Pitt. Makes me want to be an agent or an assassin. Sizzling. I could hitch a ride behind a dolphin and glide up on to the shores of the Bahamas and emerge from the waters spraying little mini harpoons and fish hooks at everyone. Sweet. And you know why I would've been the best on the field? Because no one would suspect a marine biologist DAMNIT!

On to more pressing matters. Was I disappointed? Maybe. A little. OH ALRIGHT, just a teensy weensy teeny itty bitty little bit. Why? I don't know. But, it's good..it's all good. I'm actually liking this arangement...I really am. And thank you for making the effort too. I mean, in order to succeed in anything, you need cooperation. So, thank you for keeping your distance. Truly appreciate it.

Mmm-mmm...

Laundry@The Curve.

Just cos my blog seems deprived of happy pictures recently.










SCANDALOUS PHOTO OF THE NIGHT!



Waiking, you should be so sad. but don't worry. your cousin was always known for being a ladies' man/man's man. we'll always be on your side.

HOME!

it feels so good to be back. so good, in fact, that it feels as though i've never left. it's a strange feeling to wake up one morning in Sydney and fall asleep at night in Kajang. strange indeed. right now, Sydney seems as though a long dream that i've finally woken up from. nothing but a dream. because everything about home seems so familiar and so right...from the sticky heavy humid air, to the mosquitoe buzzing around me that refuses to die, to that delicious pan mee i had for breakfast/lunch.

. . .

i ventured on to the roads of kuala lumpur today and i'm proud to say that i've lost hardly any of my driving skills, except that now i'm more cautious and more courteous to other drivers - which i really shouldn't by the way if i want to be a true blue kl driver. i've realised that you need to dive head first into the mass of malaysian traffic to become fearless. and the matrix is such a sweet sweet ride. not that i'm abandoning the kelisa. i'm just saying. the matrix is freakin sweet.

mmm.

. . .

die la. you wanna meet up. and i wanna meet up too. but i don't think it's such a good idea. that's why part of me doesn't want to. but then, i really really want to. but i don't know how the outcome would be. and i have a feeling it's not gonna be good. die la.

. . .

whoa...coming home feels good. feels great. feels excellent.

1540

I'm sittin in the railway station
Got a ticket for my destination
On a tour of one night stands
My suitcase and guitar in hand
And every stop is neatly planned
For a poet and a one man band

Everyday's an endless stream
Of cigarettes and magazines
And each town looks the same to me
The movies and the factories
And every strangers face I see
Reminds me that I long to be

Tonight I'll sing my songs again
I'll play the game and pretend
But all my words come back to me
In shades of mediocrity
Like emptyness in harmony
I need someone to comfort me

Homeward bound
I wish I was
Homeward bound
Home, where my thoughts escaping
Home, where my musics playing
Home, where my love lies waiting
Silently for me

Simon & Garfunkel

I don't wish. I am. Silent love? Not on the cards this time 'round.

One more.

it's strange how the knowledge that you're going home changes your attitude. i..

did grocery shopping and agonized over the price of chicken breast and thigh fillets.
picked out a few carrots, onions and potatoes.
voluntarily butchered onions (ho ho ho) and cooked dinner.
cracked a joke with my uncle. (OMFG GET A HOLD OF YOUSELF WOMAN!)
had a substantially long conversation with my cousin.
smiled.

it's all over folks...and in more ways than one.
i have not packed.
and i have a whole basket full of laundry to clean and iron by tomorrow night.
sweet.

ok. melly very tired. brain dead. want to feel elated but cannot. eyes very smarting because too dry. pain. must sleep. zzzz...

i'll see you guys real soon.

Succumbed

On why i WILL be investing in a ceramic hair curler and thus unleashing my suppressed bimbotic urges.

come on, ghd.

oh CRAP.

very seldom do i point out my flaws because being a child-genius i rarely, if ever have any i'd rather not deal with negative thoughts and go with the whole positive reinforcement flow. this time, however, i've gotta admit that MAYBE my plan to be an introverted-cavewoman-hermit blogger did not work out so well.

the first assault on my cock-sure attitude confidence occured when Yun turned up on my blog. my first thought was OMFG HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!? i was so sure of myself...i then proceeded to check and double-check by googling all possible combinations of words that would bring up my blog. the results were negative. and if she said it was luck, then i believe that she's very lucky indeed (note to self: don't gamble with her).

life went on as normal. my self-confidence slowly rebuilt itself...until tonight. BAM! another barrage on my claim for partial anonymity. JEANEY OH JEANEY! how you found my blog la??

suddenly i'm paranoid.

does this mean that my carefully-crafted-agonisingly-long-thought-out-supposedly-foolproof plan is actually *gulp* FLAWED!?!?!?

TIDAK! NO!
even hongyin, world-genius-second-only-to-me couldn't figure it out!

*breathes*

ok. YOU. you're a smart guy just that i'm always reluctant to admit it. i might be wrong, but chances are, you'd have found your way here too. anyway, if you're reading this, you'd better 'fess up now. because. if i find out one day that you've been reading in secret, i swear, by all the gods in Israel, i will....but not before i reclaim my two cocktails. but i'll still....

*evil laughter*

alrighty. no more surprises PLEASE! and Jeaney, welcome. i WAS gonna tell you eventually. i swear.

oooh...5 more days!

6 more days la OMFG!

6 more days to go before i'm in the all-clear. 6 more days and i've already lost the will to study for my final 2 papers. 6 more days for me to clean up my room, pack my bags and say farewell to Cherrybrook, Sydney, Australia.

6 is truly the devil's number. i can't seem to do much these days except eat, sleep and stone about home. oh...and watching reruns of Simpsons (which i've not seen) at 6.00 pm on Channel 10.

all i can think of now is how to pass time as quickly as i possibly humanly can. an excellent way - which i have perfected - is of course, to stone. haha..stoning has become second-nature to me, i don't think i shall ever need the services of Ameerali's shisha anymore. another excellent way is to sleep. like what i did today. i came home and i slept. in the afternoon. from 2.30-5.30. and woke up with a headache. lightheadedness. dizzy. groggy. ranted about theological issues with my mom. brain does that sometimes. but who cares!? the objective was to pass time asap, and i just did. a good solid 3 hours. which i shall never see again. which could've been put to good use, like ironing my clothes, or picking up my books, or studying for geology.

but i'd much rather sleep, thank you very much.

i've got great things planned for tomorrow though. i'm gonna:

• wake up at 9.00 am.
• take a nice looooong warm shower. (inside joke: only my mom and a handful will get it)
  
• iron those damned clothes.
• vacuum my room (it's been 6 months)
• start packing.
  

oooh..packing is such a great word, don't you think? like aeroplane. or duty-free liqour.

oh man, this is gonna be so sweet.

. . .

OH OH! i forgot!

my mom had *cough* excellent news for me. it seems that a few days ago, a rat *ugh* drowned in our water tub in the bathroom where i always ALWAYS take my baths. right now i feel so disgusted, no words can describe my true feelings. only if you've seen the way i react when i see/hear/spot a rat, you'll understand how deep my loathing for rodents run. and how much fear and terror they strike upon my little fragile delicate heart.

well, the water tub has been thrown out. but...i'm still so disgusted, if anything's gonna deter me from going home IT WILL MOST DEFINITELY BE THIS! fucking rat. spoil my great plans.

D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G!!! O.M.G.L.A!!!

Freshwater fishes have very dilute urine.

outwardly, i may often lament about my current single status to all and sundry and whoever who will listen to me. and in a very tragic way, mind you.

but inwardly, i'm actually not bothered about it because the freedom that comes with singledom knows no bounds. basically, i don't care la.

BUT sub-inwardly, *sigh* i think i actually do.

the female gender is very complicating indeed. or maybe it's just me. more concisely, i never knew i was capable of having so many layers. whoa, revelation.

often when i see couples walking down george or pitt street hand-in-hand in typical giddy lovey-dovey fashion, my right cerebral hemisphere goes all "AAAaaawww.." but my left cerebral hemisphere emits this banshee-like screech and goes "WAAAAAAT YUUUUUUU AAAWWWWW-IINGGGG AAAAAT? YUUUUUUUU DUNNNNNNNN HAAAAAAVVV OSOOOOO!!!!" at which point it promptly brain-butts my right cerebral hemisphere with its cerebral cortex...you know, reason above the rest.

*great internal battle ensues*

it gets especially worrying when all the guys that i've become remotely interested in throughout the year can't seem to stay in one place long enough for me to want to invest in something that would become a profit. there they are, dangling the carrot - as an example here; not that i am a fan of carrots - making everything look all rosy and peachey and POSSIBLE. and then BAM i leave; they leave; someone leaves.

the only way i can describe the feeling is this:

it's like, you see the bus that you have to catch to uni...it's waiting at the bus-stop but you're at the opposite side of the street, waiting for the lights to turn green so you can cross the road. the lights don't turn green and you're left standing on the sidewalk praying that the bus waits for you. and then, EXCELLENT! the lights change, the bus is still at the bus-stop and you RUN OVER AS FAST AS YOU CAN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! Hooray! the bus is still there..! just 10 metres more! and as you're running that very last 10 metres, the bus pulls away from the sidewalk and all you're left with is a million parts per million of carbon monoxide.

yup, you're standing there...on the sidewalk...with your books in one hand and your travel10 card in another - because you were so CERTAIN that you could board the bus, see - and your slingbag across your shoulder staring into the distance.

is this karma? *sigh* yes, i think this is karma.

and what's even MORE worrying is when my mom goes..'eh girl, no boyfriend ar? i think it's about time you took a look around.'

AND EVEN MORE SO when she goes..'eh, we're going for a holiday la, ask xxx to come along la.'

uhh..???

it's karma. it HAS to be karma.

Dear...

you are so stupid.
i don't understand you sometimes.
these days i don't even recognise the person you've become.
why do you put on this false exterior and plastic smile?
who are you trying to fool?
what are you trying to prove?
why don't you ever learn from your mistakes?
i've seen you and your habit of riding that carousel...
around you go, in a cycle of delusion and wrong choices and bad decisions.
and you come back to square one; broken, emotionally exhausted and none-the-wiser.
then the self-loathing begins.
why don't you EVER learn from your mistakes?
why do you even bother?
DON'T BOTHER.
just leave it.
don't touch it.
don't pick at the scab.
don't stir the pot.
has not pain taught you ANYTHING?
why are you being so stubborn?
just acknowledge the fact that nothing good can come of it.
and let yourself heal.
can't you even do something as simple as that for your own good?
you are so stupid.
you know you're fucked up, but you refuse to believe it.
you think you lead a life of normality.
but you don't.
it's just a facade you've got going on.
and one day, they will see through you.
by that time, you'll have nowhere to hide,
because you've exhausted all your possible choices.
why don't you EVER learn from your mistakes?
why don't you EVER learn?
why?

*shakes head*

you are so stupid.

Halfway mark.

Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

you said...who knows what will happen in the future?
Frost knew.
and Frost was right.
for all the what-ifs, unanswered questions, confused moments and blind hope,
i doubt if i would ever come back.

. . .

on a much MUCH lighter note (teehee), i'm halfway through my exams...so far i've not managed to pull off any disastrous stunts but since i'm not gonna jinx myself, i shall say, I Did OK. i'm so hyped up now, i can't wait for my other 3 papers.

there's so much waiting for me back home. a few days back my mom called to say that she's brought the Kelisa in for a service. EXCELLENT. the least she could do is return the car to me in the shape in which i've left it to them early in February. you don't know the horrendous treatment that poor dear car has gone through under the reins of my parents. the poor thing copped summons after summons when my mom was driving it...it's now recognised around the streets of Kajang by those Bandaraya people who write out those horrid summons.

oh the embarassment! when i was still its master, NEVER has it been booked before. its reputation is tarnished. sigh.

and it's also been banged up. double sigh.

hang in there, car. i shall be back very soon.

Pre-bio..

Ok la, Plant wasn't so bad after all. it was do-able. better than i expected. not that i'm saying i will be acing it with flying colours, i just know i won't fail it la.

anyway, here's a little story for you before i go to sleep and face the monster that is Biology: Vertebrates.

today, as i was in the bus, i glanced out of the window from sheer boredom and saw this bright red car beside my window. it was such a bright shade of red that it grabbed hold of my attention and refused to let go. so i got curious, and took a look at the driver (because you know, being a single girl and all...i just HAD to see what the 'going rate' was on the market).

much to my disappointment, it was a lady who was at the far-end of middle-age. just as i was about to turn my head away in disgust, i saw that she was frantically making up and down motions with her index finger somewhere near her nasal region.

lo...a distinguished woman searching for gold in broad daylight? this i gotta see. i saw, i laughed and i looked away because i couldn't help feeling embarrassed for her (even though she didn't know she was being observed...but).

as the bus began to move on, i glanced back to see how she was progressing AND TO MY UTMOST GAG-ENDUCING HORROR SHE WAS BITING ON THE VERY NAIL OF THE VERY FINGER THAT WAS IN THE VERY PROCESS JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO OF EXCAVATING NASAL WASTES!

*gags*

Moral of the story: Never shake anyone's hands. And don't buy red cars.

Thank you thank you.

eh..sure can wan..can..

OH HOLY CRAP!
it's literally the 11th hour and 50 minutes as a bonus and i suddenly stumble upon this link that says PLANT FORM & FUNCTION PAST PAPERS.

so ok...after the initial 10 second gawking

-cos i tell you i SWEAR i did not see that link before or help me GOD i would've printed all (ALL) those damned papers and worked my way through a fresh new pencil and a stack of crisp clean sheets of A4 papers-

i double-clicked on the link and lo...the 2005 paper appeared before my very eyes.
so ok...everything's cool. i double-click on THAT link and lo...the questions appeared before my very eyes.

and it took me a split second to realise that...i'm actually gonna be pretty screwed tomorrow. yup. yup. that's right. i'm gonna be pretty screwed.

cos..boy, haha..those questions..hah..the ones they set last year...ohboy...yea...they're pretty tough shit.

so now i'm banking upon the grace of God and my infallible memory to get me through tomorrow.

OMFGICAN'TBELIEVEIT1STPAPERTMRW!!!!THENHOMEIN2WEEKS!!!
EXCITEDCANDIE!!

Home is where the heart, Kelisa and king-sized bed is.

2 more weeks before i fly away from this place. and the final 2 weeks is even more unbearable than the previous 8.5 months combined. just knowing that you're so close to going home, yet not close enough to be ACTUALLY going home is excruciating.

it is beyond excruciating. it is just downright cruel. and sadistic. and we'll just throw in inhumane for good measure.

sigh..i just want to go home. i really really really would just love for me to fall asleep tonight in Cherrybrook and wake up the next morning in E112. i'd give anything. do anything. anything.

i've never really said this before, because too many people were reading and i felt, or rather, was COMPELLED to maintain macho but since it's just you 5, i'll just say it out-loud...

i've been homesick for 9 months now. when my mom and Karen came over for a visit, it sorta eased the pain a little...but when they left, especially my mom, the pain worsened quadruple-fold. there were days when i'd just sit in the bathroom at the edge of the tub and just zone out. just sit there and stone; thinking about home, and my family and friends, and wallowing in self-pity.

most of you would be of the opinion that i'm lucky because i'm staying with relatives and such..and i guess in a tiny miniscule way, you may be right. at the very beginning. but after awhile, it's just a drag. it's a drag to stay with relatives. i'll say it now; there are times where i've found myself really REALLY hating this place.

1. i hated all the noise i had to put up with.
2. i hated having to oblige myself to all the household chores - which is a bit selfish, i know, but i wish there were some nights where i didn't have to do the dishes (think: 9 months) or cut those damned onions or put those bastard eggs back into the fridge - and doing it with a fake smile plastered on my lips while the whole family sits around watching tv.
3. i hated having to live under the 'watchful eye' of my uncle while all my other friends partied away and had the best times of their lives.
4. i hated feeling robbed of this part of the foreign-education-far-away-from-home experience and being restricted.
5. i hated feeling like an outsider looking into a family circle that i would never truly be a part of - it's different you know..? it just feels different and it feels wrong especially when they're discussing family matters and you feel like an intruder.
6. i hated being present when my aunt and uncle fight, or my aunt and cousin fight - i hate being dragged into the mess.
   

and sometimes, when the feeling of being homesick got too unbearable, i'd lock myself away in the room and just stare at the ceiling for hours...but only when everyone was at work. the moment they come home, i start this clockwork charade of pretending that nothing was wrong. and it's been eating away at me for so long now...too long.

i guess the real reason why i was homesick and hating 5 Ruth Place was because i've never ever felt as though i fitted in this household...there was always this sense of not belonging and being awkward. which aggravated all the little things to astronomical heights.

which is why i've decided that i've had enough of this bullshit and next year, i'm moving out.. it's bad, i know. i should feel indebted. but i don't. which makes me evil. but i don't care. for once i'd just rather not be cocooned by my parents' sense of over-protectiveness and their need for me to be under the guardian-ship of someone else. i'm 20. i don't NEED for someone to be looking after me. i can fucking look after myself.

i'd very much like to be independant for once. do things my own way for once without my parents or someone else constantly looking over my shoulder. i think i've had enough of all this 'You're still our baby' bullshit. and it might just even improve the current relationship i have with the relatives of 5 Ruth Place.

oh dear. i think i've digressed away from my original thoughts. i just want to go homeeeee and snuggle up to my pillow that's infused with my scent (ooh..that sounds a bit wrong) !!! i just want to be able to raid my fridge and find a plate of fruit agar-agar sitting smugly inside!!! i just want to be able to pick a book out of my library and then collapse into those impossibly hard and uncomfortable Chinese antique chairs!!!

i just want to be able to crack lame jokes with my mom and dad...and test their tolerance threshold by provoking them with nonsensical questions like 'What would you do if i dated Vincent?'...

i just want to go home.

. . .

exams on 6th, 7th, 8th, 13th, 16th, 17th Nov. now all i need is a handful of Vicodine, Nurofen and bottles of Berocca to get me through to the 19th.

No, i'm not a klutz.

oh shit..i'm so gonna hate myself when i get my results circa some time in december...but, i can't deny the force that Procratination has upon me. it has gripped me to my very soul!

ALL HAIL PROCRASTINATION!



this has got to be the funniest photo i've seen since the dawn of time. that boy is a classic. a true natural. and it reminds me of something...

you know how we all had to take our BCG shots when we were in standard 6 (applicable for those who did public education in Malaysia)..? well, i remember queue-ing for my shot...and i had my shot...and it didn't hurt so i was*obviously* damn smug about it la.

as i was walking out from the room, i accidentally bumped into the elbow of this nurse...and she was in the process of administering a BCG shot to this boy (classmate of mine) and well, the needle didn't jab in the way she wanted it to...it went wonky..(hang on, have i told this story before???)

ANYWAY, she had to remove the needle and do the whole procedure again.

and the expression on the face of my classmate? uh-huh...exactly like the above.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA

poor guy...and he was a PTS student too...so, rightfully, his BCG shot was due next year...when i wasn't around to muck things up. ahhh..how sweet life can be sometimes.

Pre-exam stress.

die la this time. seriously gonna die.

exams start on monday and i've not even started my hardcore studying...you know..the massive cramming sessions. the sleepless nights. the coffee tea-saturated atmosphere.

all i can think of now is my (MY) Kelisa. and how good the Matrix would feel with me behind the wheels...mmm...Matrix.

everytime i read 2 pages from my Plant Physiology textbook..my mind zones out and goes..

"Mmmm...Kelisa"

can die can die.