yesterday marked the end of many things which played significant roles in my life. and as always with endings, there is no good and bad of it...there is only a sense of termination and possibly a hint of nostalgia mixed amply with sadness.
as of yesterday, my years of being an undergraduate in Sydney University successfully came to an end (and this is the point where i ignore the upcoming exams and confidently assume that i will ace it with flying colours). i had expected a heightened sense of jubilance while walking out of my last practical session...but instead i was handed a big plate of 'Meh'. after much thought as to why such feelings of joy were absent, i've come to a conclusion that, after all, tomorrow is just another day. unless the termination of my degree meant that i would inherit a bazillion dollars from some uncle i didn't know i had AND that i would automatically become spouse to Gael Garcia Bernal, well, no thanks, i think i'll save my joy for another day.
(incidentally, that would mean 'tomorrow' if i were to follow on the rationalisation that 'tomorrow is just ANOTHER DAY'...haha...i'm such an enigma)
joy aside, it did give me a sense of completion. knowing that i've completed three years worth of tertiary education without a single hiccup or spanner thrown into the process is good. and also, maybe a little surreal, just because i still remember vividly how much trepidation i had about uni during the first few months of my first year. i remember telling myself that it would never end...but wahey! lookie here..it's already done!
(although, now that i'm looking through my old posts written circa 2005, i just realised that i wasn't such a happy camper about uni after all..goddam this negative attitude *spits*)
well, i raise my glass to you, The University of Sydney. we may not have been the best of friends but you've still taught me essential lessons about life: like how to get drunk at 5.30 on a wednesday afternoon. cheers, old mate.
. . .
yesterday night, i received a call from my dad, bearing bad news. the father of one of my closest friends had passed away. not only was he the father of my friend, but in a way, i see him as a sort of father/uncle-figure in my life too. i've known his family, literally, since i was born as he was a close friend of my father's and it so happened that me and my friend were of the same age. when i heard the news, i didn't know how to react. it was quite a big blow for me as i had lost my grandmother a month ago. dealing with the deaths of two who played such significant roles in my life is terrible indeed.
yesterday only served to hammer home this point: that life is fragile and too often than not, it is wrought with uncertainties . it is exactly this unpredicatability that has me scared shitless at the moment. if this could've happened to uncle pat within the blink of an eye, it can happen to anyone and EVERYONE, even my own parents (they are not indestructible). as selfish as this might sound, i don't ever want to be in the position that my friend is now in: the receiving end of such devastating news all of a sudden. i know everyone has to pass on sooner or later, but please God, let me not receive that knowledge in this way.
and a further note: when my dad called me to tell me about the news, i could hear through the phone just how distraught he was. i think this was a huge blow for him because they have been friends for so long. the moment he said "And here's another good friend lost" it jolted me back to mid-2004, when i was at Felicia's funeral and her dad had told me that "You've lost a good friend". i could still remember how devastated i was and i can totally understand how my dad felt. and just the fact that my dad's voice was sort of breaking, it heightened the sense of hopelessness i was feeling to even greater heights.
to listen to someone who's always in control of themself subtly losing composure is terrifying. i can't even begin to imagine what uncle pat's family is going through. my deepest condolences to them.
life is indeed fragile and highly unpredictable.
. . .
which has finally led me to thinking. life is too short to be wasted on level-headedness and uncertainties. which is why in the early hours of yesterday morning, it finally marked the end of us. although, truth be told, i haven't thought of you lately at all. not one bit. yesterday, i finally cast off all my doubts, and for once after so long, made myself happy. albeit this morning i woke up with a slight twinge of regret. but fuck it. life's too short. if it ends up as a mistake, then i'll just accept it as being that. i'd rather make mistakes now and learn from such lessons when i'm still young than if i were to make mistakes when i'm old and held accountable to my actions.
"Blame it on youth," Dan said.
youth, like alcohol, can always be relied on to play the part of the perfect scapegoat.
. . .
the end.
