i have always been told that people change as they get older - sure. physical appearances, habits and preferences, i see that happening even in myself: once i was an outgoing lotus eater who partied till the wee hours of the morn (not really), and now, at the ripe old age of 27, all i want to do during my weekends is stay at home, curled up on the couch with a good movie/book and a bowl of ice-cream? party till the sun comes up? fuck that. it's 2 a.m., two hours too late and i need my fucking sleep.

my apologies, i digress.

like i said, i know people change with age and time. however, a part of me thought that something as fundamental as your personality and traits remain with you now until forever. how wrong i was.

when i was younger, my habit was to pour forth all my fears, grievances, stress, trials and tribulations into my blog, into anyone's ears, into the public domain - i wanted everyone to know how shit my day was, how much i suffered (not really, but i guess i was prone to dramatics), and to share with me their sympathy and commiserations. that was then, this is now. now, i am learning that i withdraw into myself, that my problems are my own, that i hate sympathy, and again, that i withdraw, further and further into myself. i stop writing anything because i worry that crucial information may slip out and be twisted out of proportion, that i will get unsolicited help or phone calls that do nothing more than compound the feelings that i am already going through.

this move to a new city, i am not regretting it - far from it, i LOVE being here. i love this new and old set of friends that i have to keep me company daily, i love that i get to spend time with Adam in a real sense and not in some hyper-warped-frozen-fantasy-wonderland, i love the new places i am discovering, i love the old places i'm returning to, i even love the weather (although truth be told, there is very little to love about it). i would probably love it more if things had gone according to plan; 3-score applications submitted, two interviews and multiple rejections later, i am still unemployed and counting church change. i didn't think it would take this long, or be this hard or competitive, but you know what? i knew it all along. i knew it wasn't going to be easy and so i'm just going to have to deal with it in my own way. i am still miles better off than Tony who sits on the steps outside Melbourne Central with his 'Please Help' sign. not that i'm equating myself to a homeless person, i doubt it'll ever come to that (HAHA have you heard of this joke involving a Science Degree and a cardboard box?). sometimes, you just forget to be thankful about the little things, and it is these little things that truly count. to be sure, my ego has taken a bit of a denting, i mean, am i not fit or worthy to be hired?? but i think that is just youthful ignorance and arrogance talking - and perhaps it is good that they being put into place.

ANYHOW. i am alive and well. i am eating more vegetables than i have ever had in my last 26 years combined. i am happy and keeping busy. i know i dropped off the face of consciousness for a little while but i guess i am back. till next time.