Some things never change.

I am now officially the only person I know left who's still having exams. I don't remember if I've ever said this before, I think I may have but I really can't be sure. Anyway, I'll just say it again for good measure.

University of Sydney sucks. Balls. Sweaty dirty balls.

Anyway, I realise that I tend to get sentimental around the periods of end-May to June and I think I know why now. It's because I'm missing birthday parties! And it's especially tough when it's your 21st year. It feels terrible when you can't celebrate your 21st birthday with your family and close friends. It feels even worse when you can't celebrate your close friends' 21st birthdays with them!

I guess that's why I make up those birthday posts. Maybe it's just my way of making it seem as though I'm still a part of the celebrations (even though technically, I'm not). It just seems to me that if I acknowledge the birthday in some sort of concrete form, then I wouldn't feel so left out.

Truth is, I'm really really wishing that I'm back home right now. Like, literally kneeling on the floor praying to Jesus to grant me that wish kinda wishing. The kind where I'd even contemplate to sell my soul for (to a benevolent entity, of course). I'm missing (and have been missing) so many 21st birthday parties of people who mean so much to me! It's been 3 years since I last celebrated birthdays with people that I love. I mean, HECKIT, I've not even celebrated my Dad's birthday for 3 years already WTF?!

I somehow feel as though there's this gap between me and my friends (especially the high-school ones) and it is widening with each passing month and year. I find that I don't really know what's going on in their lives anymore, and these are the people I've known since I was 7 and upwards. Whatever knowledge I know of them is only the surface superficial kind...surface details, but nothing in deep like how we used to talk and share everything. And somehow, I feel myself becoming more and more like an outsider looking in on their lives. Semi-segregated, if you wish.

Sure, when I come home then we get together and talk but I find myself increasingly having to ask to be clued in on what's happening and shit. And the things that we talk about are mostly just reminiscence from the past. There's nothing substantial or concrete or NOW. It gets me a little sad when I think about how I'm slipping away from people I once knew best.

Sometimes I put the fault upon myself because it was my choice to pursue an overseas education and just up-and-left from everything I knew. I know, luckyluckyLUCKY me for being given a chance to interact with other people and seeing the world (or Australia, at least), and don't think that I'm not being grateful for it because I am! But I just feel that if I were to pursue a degree which could have been done locally, I would have been happy too.

All these crazy thoughts are currently rushing in, 31 hours before I sit for my final exam paper (it's Ecological Methods by the way...what CRAP!). Maybe pursuing that degree is not that important after all. I don't really care about earning top-dollar...cos heck, I'm still putting hopes on becoming an instructor in OBS (hoho!). What I really really want right now is just to be with my family and friends and everyone else that's dear to me and I think know I will be satisfied.

Whoa shit.

I dunno la...I know I'm not the only one going through such feelings and I've been told to swallow and take it in like a man. And since this post culminated from my initial decision to base myself in Sydney for the past 2 years and counting, there's really nothing much I can do except to wait this term out. This is the 3rd time I'll be quoting Frost (wow, I must REALLY like the man, or the poem) but I chose the path I'm on now and there's no turning back.

Man, I wish my birthday was in December...or January...or even February (but not towards the end of February) and I wish everyone I knew had their birthdays then too.

whoaaaa...for once i capitalised all my first words and 'i's. it was tougher that i thought.

One more exam before I'm done with this blasted semester! Wish me luck, since you guys are ALL ON HOLIDAY ANYWAY, bitches...and I presume you all have nothing better to do since all you do is pop me messages on MSN telling me how you guys are done with exams and how great it feels. Seriously, bitches wei.

Oh, and Yi Chian...HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY!
Wish I could've been there...considering that you're making my parents wear formal. HOHO!

Another one.

I have a friend and his name is
Wong Weng Yew.

Has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like Josh Duhamel?
Dan's wall is pining for you and dying from grief, man.
It wants you to come back!

He turns 21 today.

Hmm..milk (Sure wan those girls put some shit inside).
I wonder (Fuck wei, i wonder what they poured in)...
Ahhh..alco, drink oni don't waste (Sigh, if i don't drink sure will kena later..*resigned face*).
What the fuck?! (What the fuck?!)

Ok la, Uncle...this is my birthday present to you: knowledge.
There was milk+Tia Maria+Southern Comfort+Absolut Mandarin+Absolut Kurant+Kwai Fah Lychee Liquour inside that glass for you.
Nice right? Potent cocktail sial.

Happy 21st Birthday, Uncle Wengz!

Eh, why your face here so ham-sup ar?

Hope you have a great 21st tonight! CRAP! I wish I was home cos then me and Nikki would've taken you down..BAM!

Dolphins are friends not food.

As a student of Marine Biology, i am obligated to be concerned about all things marine (gee, mel). however that doesn't mean that i have to be utterly fanatic about it.

sure, i'm terribly concerned about the plight faced by sea turtles and how their reproduction rate seems to be decreasing on a yearly basis; not to mention that due to global warming and increasing sea levels, most of their usual nesting beaches are slowly submerging at a rate of 1cm/year. whales also occasionally tug at my heart strings just because they seem so grand and solemn and stately, yet 700 individuals are due to be massacred by the Japanese for scientific purposes. i find that incredibly wrong, not only because there are so few of them left that they can barely support a viable population but they're also such peaceful creatures that they do not deserve to be slaughtered like that.

of course, some might argue that chickens, pigs and commercial animals do not deserve being slaughtered either...and at a greater daily degree than what the whales are facing. i hear you...but in terms of reproduction rate, the whales have it worse.

when i say i'm not terribly fanatic, i mean i don't walk around with a 'Save the Whales' t-shirt..(although i think it'd be pretty cool..if i can find a really zomg cool one). plus i indulge in the occasional bowl of shark's fins soup and find jumping on Blue-bottle jellyfish terribly satisfying to the soul (esp when they pop under your sandals).

however, a few days back my housemate sent me this link.

it is one of the saddest and most disturbing videos i have ever seen. all i can say is that i'm completely appalled at the cruelty and degree of compassion (or lack of) that those men had. as of now, i have sworn eternal war with the Japanese (except Hiro Nakamura of course, because he saves the World). and i don't care if i'm white-washing the entire race because i'm pretty sure they know that it's going on yet they do nothing to prevent it. that makes them just as bad.

bah! damned japanese and their cutesy food products and their schoolgirls in short-flared skirts and their addictive manga and anime!

but back to serious matters. i hope you've taken the time to watch that video. i know there's not much we can do but i feel that by just being aware of what is going on, it is good enough. there's an ongoing petition. i've signed it but i'm actually quite sceptical as to whether it would actually produce much good. but there's no harm in voicing my disapprovement of such acts, right?

i hope this post has made you more aware of what's going on around us. really, we need to stop such madness. if this goes on, who's gonna save us when we drown in the high seas!!?!?!

if you don't understand what i'm talking about, go and watch that video NOW! it'll only take 10 minutes of your time.

Hair day.

There is something terribly addictive about cutting your own hair. I did it in First Year, back when i was too poor to afford a haircut and my bangs were growing wild. So snip-snip went the scissors..and i've been cutting my own fringe ever since.

Well...ever since some time back anyway. My efforts to grow my hair till kingdom come had me putting my fringe-cutting actions on hold. i'd been toying around with the idea of bangs but never really put that thought into motion. Until tonight. The scissors were calling out and i'd had just about enough of Animal Phys...so snip-snip went the blades again.


Long messy hair.
Kenot-maintain punya fringe.
oh ya. that's my new dress. bwahahaha.
Looks like table-cloth right?

Before i started snipping..of course must agak-agak a bit la..had to get an idea of how i wanted my fringe to kinda look like...or else without pre-planning...i might end up with a bucket of tears.


Yea...you should've already figured out by now that the only face you're gonna be looking at in this post is mine.

Anyway. So, good. I know how to proceed from here on. Bring forth the scissors!



Laid down a piece of newspaper over the sink. Looked my reflection straight in the eye. Hand went into motion. Snip-snip once more.

And before i knew it, i was in the groove and the little pile of brownish hair kept growing. And then..


WAH! your jaw damn square ar?!
Ya, i know.

BAH! Not satisfied.
Snip-snip some more.


WOOT!
Oh ya, my ulcer is gone.

Yay. Settled!
Ok la, i know they aren't really obvious bangs.
I'm not good enough to cut those obvious looking bangs...yet.

Hmmmmm...ask me about the endocrinology of stress-response in mammals.
Chicken rice. yum.

I now truly fully totally understand what people mean when they say "adding salt to the wound".
The two ulcers on my lower lip fucking hurts!!
RAGE!!
*smashes...err...pillow*

[edit]

Hello again.



Did i say two ulcers before?
Holey crackers! What's this?!
It's morphed into ONE!
ONE crazy ulcer that's going out of control!

err..Elaine, i don't think the salt worked. Got any other suggestions anot?

It has rained continuously for 3 days now.
Australia, the supposed Drought-Country has just experienced floods akin to that faced by the Johoreans early this year.
I'm hoping that this is the sign that the world will end...preferably before June 22...because then I won't have to study for Animal Physiology anymore!

heeeeehehehehe.

multiple choice.

What is the definition of being numb?

is it plunging your hand into a bucket of ice and water and experiencing 30 seconds of extreme acute pain followed by...nothingness?

is it the feeling you get when you've lost all ability to care? try as you might, as you dredge up the bottom-most recesses of what used to be your heart yet something (anything) fails to surface?

is it thinking that you've gone through the worst possible situations that can be thrown at you and blinding yourself into a false sense of security when suddenly something blows over and you're back at the trough?

is it analogous to the sensation of someone using the back of a pen and slowly carving and digging an abscess on the left-side of your chest? chip-chip-chipping away while you just stand there helpless and unfeeling...watching them work at it without protest?

is it curling up into a ball on a chair and staring into space while you're detached from the world around you?

i'm just being curious, you know...cos if it happens to me, i'd like to be mentally-prepared.

New earphones for me...anyone?

I...

...should start studying now.

Focus, woman! Your future depends on it!!

. . .

So i woke up this morning and another mini-disaster was there to greet me.
Meet my newly defunct right-earphone.



Yes. i, too, can see that the bluey-green rim that should be there is NOT there.
Wonderful.

Over the past couple of months, my ability to listen to music on my laptop has been steadily degrading.
First to go was my laptop speakers.
Thus i resorted to plugging earphones into my ears 24/7.
You will find that the diameter of the opening to my auditory canal now matches that of a standard generic earphone (possibly iPod-ian in size).
Then, it was the little black sponge covering my left earphone.
No biggie...thundering on.
You will NOW find that the diameter of the opening of my right auditory canal is slightly larger than that of my left...due to the presence of black sponge thinger in one and not the other.
Later on, the little black sponge thinger on the right had to go too.
Unfortunately, the damage of unequal sizing has been done and cannot be reversed.
Finally, the pièce de résistance that the Gods of Music and Sound lavished upon me...



The missing bluey-green rim and its subsequent demise.
Where could it have gone?
Frankly, i've got no idea. but i DO have a nagging suspicion that my couch ate it.
If you could see this couch, you'd know what a holy cushion-y terror it really is.
Forever hungry.

Could it be that this is a sign to stop mooning and stoning around to the voice of greats like Buckley, Lazarra&Mascherino, Gibbard&Walla, Carabba, Elkins, Sweitzer and Okereke (bwahaha)?
No no..salah salah.
i bet it's a test of my loyalty and devotion.

yup...that's another hour of my life gone spent into the makings of this post.
sweeeet.

In the beginning.

my mother likes to tell me about how when i was born, i did not cry. all i did was stare up at her with my (then) big big eyes and stone. and that has been the basis upon which she has concluded and consequently branded me as emotionless.

yes. my mother thinks i am emotionless because i failed to cry the moment i was born.

and if i did not know myself, i'd have to agree with her, shake her hands and say, 'yes, woman! your observations are 100% correct. your daughter is INDEED lacking of emotions'.

me and my balloons. balloons make me happy.
especially helium balloons.
they make me very very happy.
they're like little packets of whatever that you can tie in a bunch with strings
and drag it along behind you.

however, i am not emotionless. it is just that i choose not to reveal my emotions to the masses. in my opinion, letting your feelings known and laying your emotions bare to the world is a sign of weakness. my reasoning is this: if any one person knew how you felt, you are already at a disadvantage. why? because they would know what hits your spot, and what emotional buttons to push. and that, to me, is a big no-no. if possible, i would try to run away from any situations which would potentially cause me to ber-emo in public.

having said that, it is not that i do not care. i DO care. it is just that i'd rather not let it show that i care. i am actually quite emotion-full (bwahaha..you should check out my collection of emo songs). i can count, on one hand, the total number of times i've actually accidentally let my emotions get the better of me. that is actually quite a high tally. i'd much rather if that number was confined to one finger...but then, we do not live in a perfect world.

i can still recall how i refused to attend a friend's funeral because the very thought of being there scared the shit out of me. i reasoned that if i did not go, then it wouldn't be real. and if it was not real, then there wouldn't be the emotional impact that such occasions normally carry with it. however, after much begging and pleading, i did turn up. and for the first time, in front of a huge crowd of which 50% were strangers to me, i burst out into tears. i'm not saying that i'm ashamed of what i did, because i'm not. but that was the first...and it was the last. after that incident, i promised myself that i would never cry in public again...and to always maintain macho.

when we got home, my mom said that my crying then and there was totally unexpected and that i was not emotionless after all. i have since corrected her misconception...she still thinks of me as a no-emotion-prick.

i don't handle confrontations well. my fight-or-flight response is permanently jammed on the flee button. of the five times that i've actually ber-emoed to/in front of someone else, i can say that i'm not proud of three. i should have fled instead of doing what i did then. it would have made things so much simpler. but no matter. what's done is done. we'll just put it down to experience.

and i've had people complain to my face before about how i have no feelings, that i'm not kan cheong enough, that i should worry more, whom i may have unintentionally hurt through my seemingly disinterested stance. sorry sorry. actually, i'm very kan cheong la..and i do worry, whatever it is you want me to worry about..and i'm actually super-duper interested in whatever you have to say.

so don't get offended if i seem absent-minded and indifferent at times. it's just...*shrugs*.

(and on that note: i'm sorry about that night..i must've accidentally fallen asleep because i was just so goddam tired, like can pass out that kind. so i'm sorry if you were talking to me about important stuff and i didn't reply/was asleep. i'm assuming you must've gotten pissed off because i stopped answering you after awhile...and when i woke up, well..yea. i didn't mean to fall asleep!!!)

yea, ok. that's enough. i just wanted to show you my balloons.

i can't seem to write anymore. i have lost the ability to express myself with words although i have so much to say that it's all clamouring within me just to be individually distinguished and heard. there's just too much at stake...i feel like i have to be guarded and that i can't just simply say whatever i want. i'm afraid of conveying the wrong message. this is all risky business.

refrigerator.

i miss Ayamas chicken.

Hello again.

Like the abominable weather that Sydney is famous for, so has the end of semester crept up and silently ambushed me. unlike the former however, i'm fully embracing the latter.

the last two weeks seem like a mad arms-race between me and the university, now that i have time to sit back and contemplate on it. over the span of 14 days, i completed 5 reports of which 3 were worth 35% of the total assessment of its respective subject and presented a seminar entitled "Mammal adaptation and tolerance to high elevations with respect to heat shock proteins" to my Animal Phys class.

and i have emerged triumphant!
despite the fact i had to endure knowing that nearly all my friends were lounging back and beginning to study for their exams, AND,
that the whole Ecological Methods class was handed a brand new assignment 9 days before the end of semester to complete, AND,
that i had only 4 hours of sleep each night for the past 2 weeks, AND,
that through lack of time i had to munch on peanut-butter-and-nutella sandwiches for dinner most of the time (which was really yummy btw...just that my gut feels strange now..it feels real peanut-buttery).

however, in the midst of such madness, an old friend came to visit! it's been so long since i've seen this woman.

"You bring out the camwhore in me."








it was so great to have you around, even though it was just for 2 days. it was a nice break from the mountains of pdfs i had to plow through. and then it got me thinking: it was so effortless, how both of us just 'gel'-ed back with each other despite having 16 months of absence between us. we had so much to talk about and so much to laugh at, that it was as though both of us had never left for sydney-hawaii and that we were in good ol' kajang all these while. maybe both of us should get married.

BWAHAHAHA!

but YES. i missed you.

hehe (excuses).

Stop being so laissez-faire.

That goes to you too.

it's 11.27 p.m.
while my fellow coursemates are partying it up in a bar in swanky Paddington, i'm writing up my crayfish report in my pink and daggy chequed pyjama trousers.
i'm beginning to question my priorities.
there should be more to life than getting the grades i want.

. . .

it's 12.36 p.m.
all i see is still my yabby report.
but this time around, i've got a bottle of Corona+a slice of lime and one Tim-Tam to accompany me.
i guess my priorities are alright.
i do not question my alcoholism.

. . .

heeeehehehe.
yea i know.
(we promised..as did i)
but no one knows!
so don't worry.

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY!!

I'm still not over it even though it's already 4 months down the road. Everytime the weather gets too cold, or the work gets a little too unbearable, or when i can't be fucked to do anything else, i visit the folder which holds the pictures taken from where i'd rather be.








if possible, i want to stay there forever. and ever.