Home is where the heart, Kelisa and king-sized bed is.

2 more weeks before i fly away from this place. and the final 2 weeks is even more unbearable than the previous 8.5 months combined. just knowing that you're so close to going home, yet not close enough to be ACTUALLY going home is excruciating.

it is beyond excruciating. it is just downright cruel. and sadistic. and we'll just throw in inhumane for good measure.

sigh..i just want to go home. i really really really would just love for me to fall asleep tonight in Cherrybrook and wake up the next morning in E112. i'd give anything. do anything. anything.

i've never really said this before, because too many people were reading and i felt, or rather, was COMPELLED to maintain macho but since it's just you 5, i'll just say it out-loud...

i've been homesick for 9 months now. when my mom and Karen came over for a visit, it sorta eased the pain a little...but when they left, especially my mom, the pain worsened quadruple-fold. there were days when i'd just sit in the bathroom at the edge of the tub and just zone out. just sit there and stone; thinking about home, and my family and friends, and wallowing in self-pity.

most of you would be of the opinion that i'm lucky because i'm staying with relatives and such..and i guess in a tiny miniscule way, you may be right. at the very beginning. but after awhile, it's just a drag. it's a drag to stay with relatives. i'll say it now; there are times where i've found myself really REALLY hating this place.

1. i hated all the noise i had to put up with.
2. i hated having to oblige myself to all the household chores - which is a bit selfish, i know, but i wish there were some nights where i didn't have to do the dishes (think: 9 months) or cut those damned onions or put those bastard eggs back into the fridge - and doing it with a fake smile plastered on my lips while the whole family sits around watching tv.
3. i hated having to live under the 'watchful eye' of my uncle while all my other friends partied away and had the best times of their lives.
4. i hated feeling robbed of this part of the foreign-education-far-away-from-home experience and being restricted.
5. i hated feeling like an outsider looking into a family circle that i would never truly be a part of - it's different you know..? it just feels different and it feels wrong especially when they're discussing family matters and you feel like an intruder.
6. i hated being present when my aunt and uncle fight, or my aunt and cousin fight - i hate being dragged into the mess.
   

and sometimes, when the feeling of being homesick got too unbearable, i'd lock myself away in the room and just stare at the ceiling for hours...but only when everyone was at work. the moment they come home, i start this clockwork charade of pretending that nothing was wrong. and it's been eating away at me for so long now...too long.

i guess the real reason why i was homesick and hating 5 Ruth Place was because i've never ever felt as though i fitted in this household...there was always this sense of not belonging and being awkward. which aggravated all the little things to astronomical heights.

which is why i've decided that i've had enough of this bullshit and next year, i'm moving out.. it's bad, i know. i should feel indebted. but i don't. which makes me evil. but i don't care. for once i'd just rather not be cocooned by my parents' sense of over-protectiveness and their need for me to be under the guardian-ship of someone else. i'm 20. i don't NEED for someone to be looking after me. i can fucking look after myself.

i'd very much like to be independant for once. do things my own way for once without my parents or someone else constantly looking over my shoulder. i think i've had enough of all this 'You're still our baby' bullshit. and it might just even improve the current relationship i have with the relatives of 5 Ruth Place.

oh dear. i think i've digressed away from my original thoughts. i just want to go homeeeee and snuggle up to my pillow that's infused with my scent (ooh..that sounds a bit wrong) !!! i just want to be able to raid my fridge and find a plate of fruit agar-agar sitting smugly inside!!! i just want to be able to pick a book out of my library and then collapse into those impossibly hard and uncomfortable Chinese antique chairs!!!

i just want to be able to crack lame jokes with my mom and dad...and test their tolerance threshold by provoking them with nonsensical questions like 'What would you do if i dated Vincent?'...

i just want to go home.

. . .

exams on 6th, 7th, 8th, 13th, 16th, 17th Nov. now all i need is a handful of Vicodine, Nurofen and bottles of Berocca to get me through to the 19th.