there is this tv screen in our dining hall that tells us important things, like how fast the wind is blowing, what temperature it is currently outside, how much water and fuel we used yesterday and today, how strong the UV levels are, and for the time being, the distance of the ship from station and how fast it is going.

from this screen, i can already deduce that there is a high chance the ship will get here tomorrow. nothing short of divine intervention will turn the odds around.

i feel like a damned fool for saying this, but i am suddenly getting cold feet about returning home. i am scared! now that the ship is (possibly) a day away, i don't want to come home. i don't want it to get here tomorrow. i hope it gets stuck in some serious sea ice. i hope one of its engines does a minor blow up. i hope it gets delayed for another couple of days. i just...i want the ship to stay out there in the water until i have adjusted my mind to re-entering the real world again.

it's hard to believe that this is all coming to an end, really. it feels like a long time coming though. at the moment, most of the sea ice surrounding the station has already broken up and blown off. it is really weird to think that i have been here long enough to see the sea ice, watch it break up, see it slowly refreeze to thicknesses of up to 1.7m and then, now, to watch break up again. the whole sea ice cycle is pretty amazing, but really rams home the notion that, yup, we've been here awhile.

how to deal with all these conflicted emotions? i'm sort of bracing myself for the sound of helicopters when i wake up tomorrow morning, but i guess i'll just deal with that when i come to it.

another week, another post. another week has passed, and as i sit to type up events that have happened within that timeframe, i struggle to remember what has actually transpired.

the planes are back, two of 60-odd expeditioners for the new 2012/13 summer season has arrived with them via Casey. three expeditioners from Mawson has dropped in, in transit to Australia via the ship. the science building is still a work in progress in terms of being cleaned and ready for the summer-scientist onslaught. more cleaning and general packing has been done. more photos have been printed from my b+w camera. yet, everything feels so stagnant and incomplete - it almost feels like i've been busy for the last 7 days, but i know i have not been.

it feels strange to be talking to the new summerers, to know that i am not going to be a part of the new summer season. i guess the fact that i have always been associated with the summer and nothing else makes this experience a nostalgic one. the newbies are so excited and enthusiastic and eager to begin their work program (HAHA poor fools) while i look on all bemused and cynical. is this what it feels like to be a burnt-out winterer?

to make my days seem more meaningful, i have been pulling pranks with another excellent prankster. last night, we taped up the doorway of the fixed-wing aircraft engineer with gaffa tape (i.e. duct tape to non-australian speakers). lots and lots of gaffa tape. i didn't wake up early enough to see the consequence of that action, nor did i ask him anything about it for fear of drawing attention to myself, but from reliable sources i gather that he was amused. mental and virtual high-fives all round.

i think we only have one more week before the ship gets here. a part of me wants to spend that week in the most meaningful way i can, but i think i am just going to lie about and soak everything in. it's too late in the season for gung-ho sentiments; i think i am ready to come home.

my view has been of the sun setting behind Gardner Island in a blaze of blue sky, orange light and pink clouds for the longest time. it is a scene that has become so familiar, too familiar actually. i can pick out the icebergs that flank its sides, identify each crest, curve and peak; the subtle saddle that sits in the middle of the island, the black dykes that run along its eastern face; the clouds that move and glide above it, unlike any other clouds i have ever seen. this scene is now underscored by a thin blue line of water, signalling broken-off sea-ice on the horizon; a thin blue line that grows ever bigger and creeps ever closer towards our station with each passing day.

today, i finally packed up all my boxes that i will be sending home, stuck those RTA (return to australia) labels on them, and now, they are sitting neatly in cage pallets waiting to be loaded onto the Aurora Australis when it finally arrives. 12 months of my life condensed into 2 cardboard boxes and a plastic nally bin; which isn't too bad, i guess i would succeed in being a vagrant.

there is a touch of finality to all these proceedings though. this is it, we are really going home. Davis, my home for 24 out of the last 36 months, and in 2 weeks' time, i'm outta here. i know with a certainty that i will not be returning to this place for quite some time. that knowledge strikes me as part-relief, part-tragic. relief, because i feel like i am finally resuming my life, as though i was caught in a waking coma for the last 3 years, suspended in a world that wasn't real, and now i am reversing all that by unclicking the 'Pause' button, and thus, the show can go on. tragic, because this has become my life, my world, the people who have, in their own little ways, become my family and having to leave them, knowing that the likelihood of all of us ever being together at the same place at the same time is slim to none. the sea-ice, those icebergs, that penguin; in 2 weeks' time, they will all be catalogued in the recesses of my consciousness as a memory.

i had my winter debrief last tuesday with a psychologist/psychiatrist (?) and she went through the same generic questions with me: Did you enjoy the winter? Was it all you hoped it would be? Did you have any highs, any lows? Are you looking forward to going home? Do you think you will adjust back into society? it was all very amicable and she was a very nice lady. before i left the room, i said that this was the first time that i actually felt yup, i'm ready to go home, take me home now. in the previous years, leaving has always been tinged with a sense of regret and longing, because i always felt that i hadn't quite seen it all, or done it all, due to the short and intense summer periods. having now spent the winter, i've done all i wanted, seen all i wanted and i can leave this place with no regrets. however, i told her that i would be sad, and that it would be a sort-of melancholic sadness, for the place, for the people, and for everything that being in Antarctica meant. she understood and told me to take my time to adjust to the real world, i said thank you and walked out of the room.

what a ramble. i didn't mean for such a lengthy post. i guess life is just a series of contradictions. wanna stay, wanna go. don't wanna stay, don't wanna go. actually, scrap that, life is a series of contradictions and endless packing, unpacking and repacking of boxes.

breaking news, guys, BREAKING NEWS! i am coming home! yup, this bit of information has now been confirmed, signed and sealed, with my itinerary delivered into my inbox! what a relief, i never realised how stressful it is to co-ordinate my flights home. it felt like everything that could've gone wrong did go wrong, but whew, all is good now. come come, let me tell you my story...

around about in August, i was really hoping to fly home to malaysia in time for my cousin's wedding and christmas, and had set my dates for the 20th of December (this is after giving myself ample time to get from Hobart to Sydney, with the possibility that the Aurora Australis would not make its arrival date in Hobart on the 10th of Dec). a quick check on AirAsia and MAS informed me that this venture of mine will not come at a cheap price BUT NO MATTER! seeing as this will be my first Christmas back home in 4 years, i am willing to shoulder any cost! however, because i am a chronic procrastinator, i did not get around to buying my tickets. also, because i am Chinese, i was hoping against hope that the prices will fall, and it did. it fell, and climbed back up, and fell again, and climbed again and then sat at a constant AUD 1,069.00 for the Syd-KL sector; i knew then that my i had missed out on any hopes of getting a cheap-ish ticket.

BUT NO MATTER! mou man tai, i will gladly pay that price!

around about 2.5 weeks ago, we realised that the Aurora Australis was in trouble. as i type, it is currently locked in ice about 6m in thickness somewhere in the Souther Ocean and has been for the past week or so. all of us on station have now come to the realisation that there is no possible way for us to make it back to Hobart by the 10th. because i am a pessimist, i highly doubt we will make it back by the 20th.

so, on one hand, i was giving myself imaginary pats on the back because i hadn't bought my 20th-Dec tickets due to my chinese kiam-siap-ness, yet on the other hand, i am very deflated that the prospects of me celebrating christmas in Malaysia is rapidly vanishing before my eyes.

a very tough decision had to be made: either 1. buy ticket for the 20th and stress out like fuck until i actually step onto the aeroplane and potentially miss the flight and burn $1.4k OR 2. push going-home date back and buy tickets at a cheaper price plus eliminate stress factor but miss out on Christmas in malaysia boohoo. after much agonising and consultation between parentals and wise veteran Antarctic expeditioners, i have decided that i shall go with option #2.

however, it seemed that the Universe wouldn't even let me go for option #2. when i was trying to buy my tickets from AirAsia, i was told that i couldn't use my credit card because of this SMS security code that i needed WTFFfFFF how to get an sms in Antarctica??? Commonwealth Bank is retarded. anyway, after much scrambling around and tearing-out of hai, PayPal came to my rescue AH PAYPAL why didn't i think of you sooner? you saved me an additional $16 too, bless you.

so, i am now flying home on 29 December ya Allah please let me get home by that time or else...i don't even know. that being said, I AM EXCITED! suddenly going home seems so real and tangible! omg char kuey teow satay pan mee with extra ikan bilis gold-hair-man's char siew and siew yoke chicken rice achem roti and teh o ais COME TO MEEEEEEEE!