Week 25: Emails I hate receiving.

i seem to have developed a fear, or phobia if you will, of checking my university email account - especially the one linked to the department of anatomy. i used to check it religiously because maria would ALWAYS have an email in there waiting for me with new instructions on what to do. seven months on, and now that enthusiasm has dwindled, and i'll even go as far as to say that it has sunk into the deepest depths of the deepest oceans never to resurface again!

honest to almighty god, i literally have to FORCE myself to key my username and password to sign into the anatomy domain. each time i start typing ji-- my fingers start weeping and pleading for me to stop.

when i don't see an email from her, i sigh a great big sigh of relief. the WHOOOOOSH-AHHH kind that completely empties your lungs, lightens your head and brings joy to your soul. but when i see a mail from her, i cringe, my heart drops to the ground, my breathing becomes shallow and i rant against God, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!

it is so bad. so bad. and i'm only all too glad that i have 66 days before i hand in my final thesis and 73 days before i give my final presentation. oh yes. i counted. just a little over two more months! URGE ME ON!

Week 25: Bored.

[edit 3.00 am - i can always count on you to lift my spirits. LOVE YOU!]

susu-atari says:
he will be dead la by that time
[c=7]elaine[/c] says:
wahahahahhaah
[c=7]elaine[/c] says:
U'RE WORSEEEEEEEEE
[c=7]elaine[/c] says:
U BLADY JUVENILE
susu-atari says:
stop stealing my lines

. . .

being sick meant not being able to read pdf files and continue writing my introduction. this was all i could do to entertain myself, besides watching tv of course. i love post-processing my photos! and i shall pretentiously name this collection The Many Faces Of Winter because all the shots were taken in winter.


taken on a cold, windy and rainy day near the Anderson Stuart building. i was cold, and i was bored.


one of the many pastry shops in st. kilda when i was visiting melbourne for the first time.


the old richmond bridge in Tasmania - the day my fingers understood what sub-zero meant.
(haha no la i exaggerate it wasn't sub-zero more like 3 degrees C.)


the 12 apostles, Victoria. what a sunset for winter, ey?

there is a ghost in my room.

some nights, when the weather outside gets so cold it robs everything of human warmth, when the chilly black wind blows and slithers its way under the balcony door touching everything with icy flicks of its tongue, when an air of emptiness and sadness hang ominously like a cloud of smoke, i hear her cry.

it starts out soft and stifled, as though she was embarassed that the tears were brimming around the corners of her eyes so wantonly. then, her stifled cries give way to sobs as the tears track down her cheeks and fall off the edge of her jawline, disappearing into nothingness. with each sob she summons up a range of raw emotions; anguish, despair, loneliness, pain and ultimately, betrayal. finally, her sobs turn to gasps for air as she quietens and i, listening intently all these while, fall back asleep again.

this ghost who cries in my room - i want to know her story.

why do you cry?
because it has finally come to an end.
an end of what?
everything that i once knew and held constant.
but nothing is constant - everything changes and molds and reinvents itself.
which is why, this is where you end and i begin.
the end and the beginning?
it has been a long time coming.

Week 24: Still pain.

joints are hurting.
i don't normally self-prescribe but now that i'm actually full-blown sick sick, i've been asking myself WWPD? What Would Pa Do?! cos he's the one who's always forcing pills down my throat back home whenever i was sick. i've been taking panadol like they're sugus and downing cough syrup like there's no tomorrow. i read the bottle, it says 'Adults 10ml - Take dosage at night 1 hour before bed' BUT it doesn't say what the limit is.

e.g. Panadol - not more than 8 tablets a day.

i love cough syrup. it has honey and lemon balm in it...nyamnyam. i've been taking a regular 10ml dose every 3 hours or so. i don't think there's such a thing as cough syrup overdose right?

last night was hell. it was probably one of the worst nights of my life. i couldn't sleep because my brain decided to simulate the birthing process, the birth canal being my right eye socket. pounding pain. POUNDING PAIN. and each time i closed my eyes, i had the same recurring dream - something made up of geometric arrow-shapes pounding and smashing into each other, chaotic killing, i would say. and mind you, i woke up like 8 times throughout the night and had the same dream over and over. in the end i couldn't take the bullshit any longer...downed 2 panadol tablets and it was sweet sweet dreamless sleep for me.

now, i'm kinda a little afraid of falling asleep, because i can feel the slight pain at the base of my neck.

ARGH! i want my ma and pa! i wish someone would cook meatball porridge for me sobsobsob.

Week 24: Pain.

my guess is that someone or something read the previous post and decided that i should see the true heaven for myself before actually describing what it's like.

because this morning (or rather, afternoon) i woke up with a huge pounding headache. the kind that threatens to split your skull apart. the kind that throbs and throbs and fucking THROBS till no end. the kind that makes you feel as though you've got all this stored and pent up pressure and tension building in your head that a pinprick might just cause it to explode. the kind that makes listening to A Passing Afternoon akin to 10 elephants each with 10 monkeys on its back stomping about a hollow wooden floor because there is a mouse running amongst them (refer to Dumbo; mouse + elephant = nono).

the kind that makes you wish you had a gun so you could put a bullet straight through you right temple and out your left just so that the misery can be relieved.

i am not exaggerating...it is that bad. i'm all prepared to meet my maker now.

i'm also guessing that i'll be coming down with influenza a little later on. my eyes are hot and smarts. my skin hurts with every touch. my bones ache. my throat is dry and scratchy. i feel like i'm the walking soon-to-be grim reaper just because i shuffle and wheeze and cough and most times, i'm furiously pounding the side of my head.

i hope i get admitted into hospital because then the annual OSHC membership that i've been paying for for four (wtf?) years now will finally be of use.

Week 24: I <3 DCFC.

so on monday night, i died and went to heaven. it was just like how i'd always imagined it to be. lots of bright lights, laughing people and of course, the best band in the whole wide world.



heaven is a field of flowers where rain is plenty and ben gibbard and the love of my life, chris walla, are serenading me with the sweet sweet sounds of their music.


changa and gen - the other Cabbies for the night.

2 years ago, i watched them play live at darling harbour, and i thought that live music and DCFC could and would never get any better than that - but i was wrong! they were so much better while playing in enmore theatre that it was just unbelievable! how can one band be so good!? i don't know...but you know what? I DON'T CARE!



they played songs mostly from their new album, Narrow Stairs and a much older, and possibly more obscure album, We've Got The Facts And We're Voting Yes. like i said, We've Got The Facts is a more obscure album and i don't think it's as widely known as their more popular Transatlanticism or Plans albums which is why when they played those songs, almost no one was singing along. which is kinda sad because WGTF is a really good album. it does not sound anything like their other songs, which is one reason why i think it's brilliant - it stands out.

but oh well, i was singing along albeit by my own lonesome self so it was still good.



and of course, they played some crowd staples like Title and Registration, Moviescript Ending, Tiny Vessels, Marching Bands of Manhattan and of course, the crowd favourites, I Will Follow You Into The Dark and Transatlanticism (which by the way, the latter was the very last song played for the night and my god did the concert end on a high).

i cannot stress just how much i LOVE DCFC. i love them like i would love my own daughter or son, if i had one. they are just SO GOOD live. i'm not being biased when i say this but DCFC is still the best band i've ever heard play live. no one has even come close; not Coldplay (whom i love to death as well), not Snow Patrol and definitely not Dashboard Confessional.

here's a video of them playing I will follow you into the dark. you'll be able to hear me sing along rather shamelessly to the song and i sound like shit..so forgive me. i've got heaps more other videos though and i guess i'll only put them up if there's a demand for it.

ask and ye shall receive. if not, then here's the video.

one.
for you.

i was the ear whence you poured your grievances into.
but when my heart was akin to lead, my sorrow filled this cup.
it is not half empty. it is not half full.
my sorrow, it runs over.
because you were not there.

i was the smile that tried to turn your frown around.
but when my laughter cracked, it splintered into a thousand pieces.
and those pieces became microscopic.
obeying the rule of the wind, they fly away and are swept under the rug.
because you were not there.

i was the positive always trying to neutralise your negative.
but when my hope began to slip, it plunged into the abyss.
no rope over the edge. no helping hand.
it falls, never meeting the bottom.
because you were not there.

i was the dreamer while you were reality personified.
but when my dreams turned to nightmares, the visions seem to last forever.
tossing and turning. fear turning to tears.
it feels like there's no end, but the end is near.
because Band of Horses whispered into my ear,

"The end's not near, it's here."

two.
for me.

i waited for you. but to no end. and as i lie here, the falling darkness spreads its tendrils around me, surrounding me, enveloping me. i know the obligations have ended but it was somehow always unspoken: when i needed you, you were always there. so where have you gone?

the glare blinds my eyes. the words from the song that pound through my ears change and whispers.

your friend has this place part
with someone dear to your heart
did she steal
or was it an act of free will?

three.
for you and i.

no, we were not the best match.
you sipped your flat white while i poured sugar into my tea.

no, we never had the same tastes.
my world was filled with colours while you buried yourself in shades of black, blue and white.

no, we were not made for one another.
you are not the words that spill from my works of fiction. i am not the numbers you have tallied.

no, we don't have each other.
i am here and you are there, always out of my reach, in all instances, every single time.

no, we were not the perfect two.
my lofty ideals could never meet your grounded and pragmatic realism.

but i like to believe that despite these differences, we once laughed together. Because The Cardigans whispered to me and said,

"If you live you will learn."

Week 23: I am like Aesop from Aesop's Fables.

remember your first year in secondary school? everything seemed so new and strange and strangely intimidating. finally, after 6 years of looking up to those impossibly tall kids wearing the aquamarine blue pinafore THAT HAD NO SIDES (or olive-vomit looking trousers, if you're a boy), if was finally your turn.

check out the school compound - it's so fucking huge until can get lost that kind!!
look at the size of the padang - wtf la, i can finally realise my dreams of playing kejar-kejar All-Stars and improve my stamina and track-time for the 1500m track event at the same time!!
omg look at the F5 seniors - da ge, wo ai ni!!
see the canteen - WHY SO BIG WAN!? wah so many choices i feel like i just died and went to food court heaven!!

yup, it was the canteen of SMKJB which had me most enthralled. you see, back in primary school, the canteen was really tiny (for tiny people la) and the selection of food back then was only so-so, although in their defense they had amazing chicken rice which i still think back fondly about till this day. but the SMKJB canteen? the SMKJB i LOVED. why? because they had the greatest selection of bottled carbonated soft drinks i've ever seen!

ok la, let's backtrack abit first to my sad childhood. you see, when i was a kid, i was only allowed to drink milk, rose syrup/bandung, juice, soyabean and water. i don't remember having been allowed to drink coke or the like - even when i ate in kfc or mcDs, my dad would order orange juice. and i was cool with that, you know? i didn't really care, cos i liked orange juice! yet, i always knew about the near mythical coke and the properties it had (ahem). which is why something snapped in my synapses the moment i saw the bottles and bottles of soft drinks in the SMKJB canteen! it was there, it was within my reach, i had the money to pay for it and lastly, MY PARENTS WEREN'T THERE!

oh holies of holies.

and they weren't in the ugly plastic bottles ok? they came in authentic 1970s looking glass bottles with the metal cap (which i would fervently collect to play bottlecaps - if you understand what i'm trying to say - and i was quite awesome at bottlecaps too ok, don't play i exhibited boy-tendencies growing up) and they were all neatly stacked into those plastic crates. i can still picture the scene when i close my eyes...

mel walks up to the kakak dibelakang kaunter.

Mel: kak (actually, i never knew if it was a kakak or an abang cos she looked like an abang but acted like a kakak), coke satu botol.
Kakak That Looks Like An Abang But Acts Like A Kakak: Iya.
M: Brapa? (even though i know it's rm1.10, i still have to ask everytime auto-reflex)
KTLLAABALAK: sringgit sepluh sen, amoi. ais kat situ, amoi.
M: ah tankew. grabs a plastic cup filled to the brim with ice and walks off.

every single day. and sometimes, i would buy up to 3 bottles a day; one for consumption in the canteen, and the other two to fill up my plastic water bottle in case i felt like drinking some coke whilst working out the intricacies of Zaman Kegemilangan Melaka.

needless to say, by the end of Form 1, coke, pepsi and the likes had wrecked havoc on my system. i became fat from all that sugar, and i mean, omfg why is she so fucking fat wait is that a hippo waddling and wheezing in the padang playing kejar-kejar?! and not only did i become fat, all that carbonic acid had eaten way at my stomach lining. everytime i had a sip of coke, i would get terrible stomach pains akin to gastric pains and i would cirit-birit..HAHAHAHA!

that was when i knew, my love affair with soft drinks had to end. i was locked in a destructive relationship and any continuation would've seen me in the hospital with a ruptured stomach wall. so i stopped. cold turkey. i drank only water and nothing else. the stomach pains ceased. the weight dropped off - i was no longer a hippo trying to play kejar-kejar, i was merely chubby , like how i still am now (hangs head in despair). i avoided the canteen during recess after that (all through the end of high school wtf) and when all my friends were sitting at the long tables eating their mee goreng or nasi lemak ayam or WHATEVER, i was at the padang on those impossibly hard and uncomfortable cement benches daydreaming, emo-ing, or watching the love of my life Chooi*, play basketball. HAHAHAHAHA!

now you know why and how i became so emo. i had a lot of free time to think and ponder. 5 days a week, 30 minutes each day.

and that was how i learnt my first ever lesson in life: no matter how much you love something, if it starts becoming toxic to you YOU FUCKING TURN YOUR BACK ON IT! because at the end of the day, all you actually truly have is yourself. no coke is worth it.

*ok la, he's no longer the love of my life ok? don't go spreading rumours.

Week 22: My hands are cold.

i am once again resorting to numerals for help.

1. i have a new housemate - her name is Hanne (pronounced Han-nah). she is norwegian and has light blond (really blond nice yellow curly wavy omg i damn like type) hair and blue eyes. gen moved out because she had to do time on a farm in Camden HAHA! hi gen.

2. i have just given my mid-year presentation, which went swimmingly well. all i have to do now is write up that damn thesis and i am set for life. yeaaah.

3. that trip up to Coffs Harbour has severely altered my sleeping habits, and ultimately the entire way i function on a daily basis. now, it is impossible to wake up before 11 a.m. and to sleep before 3 a.m. - which means every friday i am doomed as honours' meetings start at 9.30 a.m.

4. google map - streetview is teh genius! i could not stop playing with it.



too bad this function is not available in malaysia. talk about bringing the invasion of privacy to a greater level! you can even see the slightest hint of my clothes rack on my balcony!

5. to ease myself into a mindless stupor in hopes of being able to fall asleep earlier and faster (harder, stronger, better wtf), i've picked up anime again. naruto shippuden thrills me and fushigi yuugi transports me back to the days where i am eating 'vegetarian' noodles with chicken rendang and sambal 'see hum' before being driven off to Mr Mathi's Tuition For Kids Who Want To Learn BM Good And Do Other Stuff Good Too. ziiiiinnnggggggggg!

6. i am very tired. i don't know how much longer i can keep this up.

7. at first it begins silently, stealthily. the notes come together, the beats cohere and everything that once was becomes audible. it shudders and quivers and trembles tremulously. the strain pulses and palpitates and begins to build a life of its own - a defining character begins to mold. it grows. and grows. and crescendoes into a glorious chorus of drumbeats and guitar strains - chaos in the face of order! it is alive!

and i am lost.

this is going to sound terribly obsessive-compulsive but...

there's this ad on tv for Dairy Farmer's Thick & Creamy yoghurt trying to prove how thick and creamy the yoghurt exactly is. it's so thick and creamy in the ad that you can spoon up a dollop of the yoghurt, overturn it and it'll still stick on the spoon!

needless to say, i've been overturning every spoonful of yoghurt before it enters my mouth. AND IT REALLY DOES STICK ON THE SPOON! IT DOESN'T FALL DOWN! EVERY SINGLE SPOONFUL!


see?!

THE TV DOESN'T LIE!

Week 21: More travelling!

yup. i did exactly what the title says. the weekend after i got back from melbourne, i flew up the coast to marvelously sunny and rather warm Coffs Harbour!



you may vaguely remember Coffs Harbour from the time when i went on my Newcastle to Cairns roadtrip. it felt vaguely strange being back there because at every turn, i saw something that reminded me of the roadtrip. the fish & chip shop where we got our dinner. the i. the big banana. the jetty.




everything seemed tainted with melancholy and nostalgia. BAH!

anyway, i was up in Coffs Harbour for an all expenses paid 5-day research trip. yup. air fare, accomodation and even car hire. i got to drive a white X-Trail which was nice. and smooth. and goddamn sweeeeeeeeeeet. now i know, elaine. now i know.

anyway, i was working in the national marine science centre which is possibly the coolest lab i've ever worked in. it is located right beside the ocean which meant easy access to the beach to collect animals AND it has a flow-through system which pumps seawater directly into the labs! HOW AWESOME IS THAT?! you don't have to carry 20L tanks of seawater up 6 levels to the lab (like how we do in the byrne lab grr)!! it is also within the compounds of the Novotel hotel in Coffs so that meant that we were staying in hotel-type apartments..FOC because the NMSC owned a couple of units there! SO AWESOME I WANT TO WORK IN COFFS FROM NOW ON! anyway, pictures to show you how awesome the lab is (or rather...just the animals and the surroundings).





the downside to all these luxuries is that my trip up was pretty intense, meaning that i started work at 9 am and left the lab at 2-3 am for every single day that i was there. we were working on a tight schedule...but who cares!? it was still a holiday.

ok abrupt end because my literary juices have run dry and i have a whole stack of clothes to fold.
bye.

there are some days where i hate you so much so that the feeling attains some form of physical attribute. it is a ball of fire spinning round and round just above my gut until it gets to a point of intensity so strong that i actually have to drink a glass of cold water just to quench that flame. but after said water has been drunk, i calm down and remind myself that you're just not worth it.

(just. not. worth. it.)

or maybe i'm just suffering from a severe case of acid reflux.