In the beginning.

my mother likes to tell me about how when i was born, i did not cry. all i did was stare up at her with my (then) big big eyes and stone. and that has been the basis upon which she has concluded and consequently branded me as emotionless.

yes. my mother thinks i am emotionless because i failed to cry the moment i was born.

and if i did not know myself, i'd have to agree with her, shake her hands and say, 'yes, woman! your observations are 100% correct. your daughter is INDEED lacking of emotions'.

me and my balloons. balloons make me happy.
especially helium balloons.
they make me very very happy.
they're like little packets of whatever that you can tie in a bunch with strings
and drag it along behind you.

however, i am not emotionless. it is just that i choose not to reveal my emotions to the masses. in my opinion, letting your feelings known and laying your emotions bare to the world is a sign of weakness. my reasoning is this: if any one person knew how you felt, you are already at a disadvantage. why? because they would know what hits your spot, and what emotional buttons to push. and that, to me, is a big no-no. if possible, i would try to run away from any situations which would potentially cause me to ber-emo in public.

having said that, it is not that i do not care. i DO care. it is just that i'd rather not let it show that i care. i am actually quite emotion-full (bwahaha..you should check out my collection of emo songs). i can count, on one hand, the total number of times i've actually accidentally let my emotions get the better of me. that is actually quite a high tally. i'd much rather if that number was confined to one finger...but then, we do not live in a perfect world.

i can still recall how i refused to attend a friend's funeral because the very thought of being there scared the shit out of me. i reasoned that if i did not go, then it wouldn't be real. and if it was not real, then there wouldn't be the emotional impact that such occasions normally carry with it. however, after much begging and pleading, i did turn up. and for the first time, in front of a huge crowd of which 50% were strangers to me, i burst out into tears. i'm not saying that i'm ashamed of what i did, because i'm not. but that was the first...and it was the last. after that incident, i promised myself that i would never cry in public again...and to always maintain macho.

when we got home, my mom said that my crying then and there was totally unexpected and that i was not emotionless after all. i have since corrected her misconception...she still thinks of me as a no-emotion-prick.

i don't handle confrontations well. my fight-or-flight response is permanently jammed on the flee button. of the five times that i've actually ber-emoed to/in front of someone else, i can say that i'm not proud of three. i should have fled instead of doing what i did then. it would have made things so much simpler. but no matter. what's done is done. we'll just put it down to experience.

and i've had people complain to my face before about how i have no feelings, that i'm not kan cheong enough, that i should worry more, whom i may have unintentionally hurt through my seemingly disinterested stance. sorry sorry. actually, i'm very kan cheong la..and i do worry, whatever it is you want me to worry about..and i'm actually super-duper interested in whatever you have to say.

so don't get offended if i seem absent-minded and indifferent at times. it's just...*shrugs*.

(and on that note: i'm sorry about that night..i must've accidentally fallen asleep because i was just so goddam tired, like can pass out that kind. so i'm sorry if you were talking to me about important stuff and i didn't reply/was asleep. i'm assuming you must've gotten pissed off because i stopped answering you after awhile...and when i woke up, well..yea. i didn't mean to fall asleep!!!)

yea, ok. that's enough. i just wanted to show you my balloons.