Week 34: I will strike thee with my mighty sword and send thee to Charon across the river Styx so that thou shalt know that I am King!

[Edit: last night and this morning, i was feeling all kinds of chinese expletives. but i have discovered an invaluable gem in the person of Sergio! he has an adaptor i can temporarily (read: a couple of hours a day when i see him in the lab) use to charge my laptop! all is not lost! except for the fucking adaptor, that is. so...now i have 2 laptops...WHEE!

won't be online much though. perhaps this is a blessing in disguise? who knows? life works in mysterious ways *cue twilight zone entrance hymn...or X-Files, if that's what rocks your boat*]

la di da. the worst that can happen has happened!
my laptop adaptor, has once again, decided to shut itself down because it is emo like its mistress and hates the world AND just wants to be left the fuck alone, thank you very much.
i guess it didn't appreciate the fact that i kept sticking it into foreign ports one too many times, if you know what i mean. Ladies Boys. [Edit: ah apologies. i don't know what came over me. i must've momentarily had my sexual orientation confused]

[Ed note: what the fuck!? ok, that came out as too over-easy sleazy. i apologise.]

where was i?
ah yes.
my laptop adaptor is dead. i have no more battery life. i have 1.5 weeks left before submission. my life is ruined.
GOOD TIMES!

luckily for me, the department has spare laptops to lend. maybe they can forsee the future or something. or maybe having your adaptor die on you TWICE in a year is not so uncommon after all. hmmm. i should do a survey and look into that. smart thinking, this department of anatomy.

but you know what's even smarter thinking? transferring all my files into my housemate's hard drive! whee? WHEE! and in the midst of frantic transfer last night, i was hit by yet another of the Universe's 'Ironic' moments. my iTunes switched to Coldplay's Don't Panic. i would've laughed out loud (LOL!) if it wasn't for the fact that i know iTunes is out to destroy my life (no la, actually, we are on a love-hate-can't-live-with-but-can't-live-without sort of relationship) therefore, with fingers as quick as greased lightning, i skidded across the touch-pad and X-ed the fucker. it didn't help that i only had about 15% battery life left to transfer all my 'important' files without having Coldplay suck out the remainders of my soul (i'm sorry Coldplay, i still love you! but my education is more important than rock & roll. true story.)

wow. i am so descriptive today it's marvelous i wish it would translate into my chapters.

if you see pictures of bloody wrists on this blog, you'll know what happened. but don't worry, i'll be alright, because if i wasn't, there wouldn't be any pictures of bloody wrists and that's when you should start to panic, if you know what i mean. Ladies Boys. [Edit: and here too. HEY. i'm only human, ok? nobody's perfect. remember that.]

[Ed. note: WHAT THE FUCK!? get out. now.]

ANYWAY. won't be online much unless a miracle happens and my adaptor resurrects on the 3rd day like the good Lord. stay safe, kids. don't do drugs. don't drink and drive. and stay in school.

and pa, can you see if there's some sort of warranty for the adaptor? ok thanks because i don't want to buy another one. sorry, i have no money to call you HAHAHAHA (!) so why not you call me instead when you read this? unless you call me tonight and i tell you about it then this news will be made redundant. hmmmm.

[subliminal message start. newlaptop. subliminal message end.]

THANK YOU THANK YOU!

was inspired by a friend who, imho, is a post-processing guru. my skills fall dismally short compared to his. photos taken in bali...CAN SOMEONE PLEASE BRING ME BACK TO BALI? PLEASE?
PLEASE?!





cropped version, just because.

Week 33: Hai apa khabar?!

entah kenapa hari ini tetiba aku terasa nak menukil dalam bahasa malaysia. ah tidaklah, sebenarnya dah lama aku terasa nak menulis dalam bahasa malaysia tetapi aku tidak berani atas sebab aku takut nanti pembaca aku akan rasa yang aku ini macam poyo sikit. tapi ahhhh..aku tak kisah lah, kalau kau rasa aku poyo ke nak berlagak macam cik siti ke mek minah ke, suka hati lah apa yang kau nak rasa itu. aku memang dah bersiap sedia nak kahwin melayu anyway HAHAHA eh tak lah, aku bergurau senda je.

aku masih ingat lagi masa aku di tadika dulu, cikgu kelas aku telah mengekspreskan kerisauannya terhadap kebolehan (or lack of) aku dalam bahasa malaysia. sumpah, masa aku 5-6 tahun dulu, mak ayah pun aku tak erti nak sebut. so dia pun tarik aku duduk atas pehanya pada hari terakhir aku di tadika. lepas itu dia pun berkata, dengan mukanya yang serius, mel, you know when you go into primary school you have to learn everything in malay. you must know how to speak malay ok? (maklumla kan aku dah kata yang aku ini tak faham bahasa melayu so masa tu perlulah cikgu bercakap dalam inggeris). apa yang boleh aku buat melainkan mengangguk kepala saja?

lepas aku dengar ayat-ayat dia yang cukup serius tu, aku pun tension dan gelabah sikit. apa akan terjadi jika aku masuk sekolah rendah tapi aku tak faham apa yang cikgu-cikgu tu tengah ajar?! akankah aku dilabel sebagai bodoh? ADD? autistic? macam mana aku nak beli aiskrim kat kantin kalau aku tak erti nak beritahu pak cik seleksyen aku (HAHAHA aku akui, perkataan seleksyen tu aku main reka je)? tunjuk-tunjuk dengan jari aku? harh..lepas tu? nak bayar tu macam mana? terus lari je harap-harap dia akan memaafkan budak kecil yang baru berumur 7 ini!?

TAK PATUT!

so aku pun rajin lah belajar dan gila terror fokus bila masa kelas BM. nak jadikan kawan-kawan tu pun semuanya budak perempuan melayu. satu-satunya kawan aku yang tak berbangsa melayu tu, abby, pun aku anggap sebagai melayu la. satu geng perempuan yang aku lepak masa kat sekolah tu memang melayu. tak sampai setahun, bm aku pun dah jadi terror sampai mak aku pun tak faham tak boleh bantu aku dengan kerja rumah. aih. tapi takpe lah, aku kan bijaksana seperti itu, tak payah bantuan dari sesiapa pun BWAHAHAHA!

sepanjang aku kat sekolah rendah, seolah-olah dalam keadaan bliss je. markah ujian bm aku yang dikembalikan selalunya 80-90an...best sekali. hinggalah aku masuk darjah 6. hah, masa tu lah yang paling challenging sebab tetiba Pn. Rogayah kata, Mel, aku rasa kau perlukan tuisyen bm. UPSR dah hampir nak tiba dan BM kau, walaupun ok, tapi tak begitu ok juga. eh? cikgu kau tengah cakap apa ni? ok tapi tak ok? takpe la, aku ikut nasihat dan bermula tuisyen BM. akhirnya keputusan UPSR, BM Penulisan and Pemahaman dapat A..WOOT (tapi sains dapat B..hampa)!

dengan segala aksyen-nya aku, aku pun masuk sekolah menengah. masa tu fasa bertutur dalam bahasa melayu dah hilang. entah kenapa, budak-budak kat sekolah menengah tak suka cakap BM..macam tak cukup glamer ke tak cool ke apa, aku tak tahu la. tapi aku ikut trend je..nak cakap english? ok set. lama-kelamaan, skill BM aku pun merosot. nak menjelaskan warna sebiji oren pun kena erh ahh umm..orange? (padahal perkataan betul jingga BODOH! ok la, oren pun boleh) so bila masuk Form 3, mula naik panik sebab PMR dah menjelang. mendengar khabar angin, kalau gagal BM, seluruh PMR fail (betul ke ni?). bermula lah lagi, tuisyen dengan Encik Mathi sampai masa nak duduk SPM. lama tu! 3 tahun tuisyen dengan cikgu tu. tapi best juga kelas dia sebab dia tu lawak dan suka lah sangat nak menceritakan joke-joke yang kurang senonoh HAHAHAHA! untuk PMR, BM dapat A (yeh yeh, tapi sains dapat B...APA NI!? fooh..banyakkan bersabar, mel) dan untuk SPM pula, BM dapat A2 (tapi aku rasakan, ada konspirasi disebalik pemeriksaan kertas sebab seluruh sekolah aku, hanya 3 orang je yang dapat A1..yang tu memang tak mungkin la sebab banyak budak melayu kat sekolah terror handal gila BM mereka..tak mungkin dapat A2 kan? tapi kisah lah, aku accept je keputusan aku sebab aku mudah dipuaskan HAHAHA!)

okok..so itulah cerita Bagaimana Melanie Memperolehi Skill-skill Bertutur Dalam Bahasa Malaysia.

ah..ok la, malas aku nak meneruskan menaip dalam bm. sebenarnya tujuan nak menulis dalam bm adalah supaya golongan tertentu yang tak sebegitu fasih dalam bm ke apa (seumpamanya ibu bapa aku HAHAHA!) tak akan faham apa yang aku nak menaip ini. contohnya, bila aku nak emo ke apa, takkan la aku nak ibu bapa aku baca yang aku ni nak terjun jambatan ke potong gelang tangan ke apa kan!? so post ini semacam test drive la, mencuba kebolehan aku untuk menaip one full post dalam bm huuuhuhuhu.

hello everyone, it's that time of the year again! yes, that's right! this is the time where i air my mind and tell you, you, you, you and you what i really want to say! but before we do that, here's a dialogue!

hot.
just for you.
killer. let's hold hands.
skip that. let's share warmth.
whoa! hold on. we're moving too fast!
got carried away in the heat of the moment (or lack of it).
sorry. my fault entirely. can't help it.
i guess it's all over before it even started then.
ha! classic behaviour.
perhaps we should compare notes.

1. tonight, i heard the song that you sang/howled to me while i was driving in the car. it suddenly struck me how incredibly futile everything is and has become. everything that i've done and tried to maintain up till this very moment of now was all a huge waste of my time. a futile endeavour.

2. sometimes i truly doubt the veracity of everything that transpired/transpires (eh?) between us. moments like these make me want to pick up that proverbial brush and just whitewash everything out of existence because what can you do with lies but to cover them up?

3. you've become somebody i used to know. well done, you!

4. i don't think we can be friends anymore. actually, maybe i don't think...i do know. and i know now that i am not your friend anymore and so, neither will you be mine. let's hug, part ways and never speak of this again.

5. sometimes i wonder if you know how much i rely on you and just how much you brighten up my day. THANK YOU!

Week 32: 19 more days!

[EDIT: did i say that it was 19 days till the finish line? well, gosh dang blimey holy shit i had my numbers all wrong! it's now back up to 23 days! my coordinator decided to play santa-came-early and generously gave us another whole week to write up!

don't get me wrong (but i can tell that you're starting to) but i just don't know whether to be happy or to cry. on the one hand, i have a full week to tidy up my thesis and to hand in something that would actually be credible! but on the other hand, i could already taste/smell/see the finish line and had everything planned out for post-submission (re: NOTHING!). it feels like someone's buying me a jug of long island but then that benevolent someone tripped and BOOM! long island, meet the floor.

so close yet so fucking far ARGH!]

[EDIT: i really do think that 'some pariah kiasu wannabe overachiever' is possibly the best 5 words i've strung together this whole year! it is unbelievably brilliant i want to shout it out loud while i'm walking about and at the same time plaster it all over the sky!]

just like how i've been cleaning out my room, i've decided to tidy up a bit of my sidebar because it was starting to get a bit cluttered. gone are the links to non-functional blogs. also given the boot was the ultra-feminist quote from gloria steinum (whoever you may be) which i paraded back in first year because i thought it was cool.

it was cool then, ok? stop giving me grief about it.

another old-timer who will be missed is the thing (classification: unsure) that adjectified Melanie as 'Benevolent to a fault'...which is still oh so true even though i wish it weren't so, HAHAHA!

anyway, i'm 3 weeks shy of submission and i'm at the stage where i just, really, don't give a shit anymore. sure, i'm still typing and doing my experiments with much vigour and earnestness. however, the passion and drive that was there half a year ago is now nowhere to be seen. i have been turned into a marine sciencetology robot. all i want to do now is to produce a respectable thesis and then crawl into bed, turn the tv on and watch reruns of Friends while eating a bowl of toasted muesli with dried fruits and vanilla yoghurt (the best thing thus far, if i may say so myself).

yes, toasted muesli is helping me to keep sane. who'd ever have thought, huh?!

anyway, i've been doing a lot of thinking. and it just dawned on me as i walked through some sprinklers whilst crossing the St. Johns field: i'm losing the plot and losing my ideals. who cares if i don't get a 1st class?? no one, that's who. all this while, my motto has been: asalkan tak fail, cukup. but this whole year i've been behaving like some pariah kiasu wannabe overachiever. no one gives a shit, and just by being in the honours programme i'm one step ahead of other science graduates AND i'm guaranteed a no-fail.

so, kau stress kat sini buat aper??? baik pergilah tido lepas tuh esok pergi coles belilah toasted muesli tuh macam yang hanne tengah makan. jangan lupa beli yoghurt tau?

Week 31: Birthday presents

i've been meaning to talk about this for a long time now and i'm two years too late. but better late than never, eh?

over the past 22 years, i've had some pretty awesome presents and awesome birthday parties too. for my inaugural birthday, my parents threw a huge party where everyone ate, drank beer and was merry. however, i have no memories of that birthday and when leafing through the pictures taken of that wondrous night, only 5% contained my actual face. good times.

for my 6th birthday, i had a pretty awesome party too. heaps of my friends (and their parents) came. there was beer and liquor. i had a barbie doll birthday cake mod style (she was carrying a handbag how sweet). i got to ride my 4-wheeled bicycle in the house and played pin-the-donkey and pass-the-present-wrapped-in-fuckloads-of-newspaper-until-the-music-stops-then-the-person-holding-it-unwraps-to-find-SURPRISE-MORE-NEWSPAPER! what wasn't a surprise, though, was that i lost in every single game and i cried like how a fucking sore-loser 6 year old girl would. good times.

my parents learned from their mistakes and birthday parties were never the same ever again. and i mean, no more huge parties, no more games, no more people (except for a very few).

to be honest, i don't really remember what presents i got. i'm bringing up visions of books books and more books, the occasional barbie doll and products from bodyshop. in recent years, i have received a ring (!!), a countryroad duffel bag, bracelets AND the sweetest birthday present ever!

sneaky but sweet. i loved it the moment i saw it! a string of photos of a few of my favourite people in the world! each with a letter spelling my name out! and at the back are birthday messages! I LOVE BIRTHDAY MESSAGES! [Ed. note: All messages typed out ad verbatim]


Happy 20th Birthday! May you be merry, happy and happily drunk during your birthday. The Man.

1 of 5 people directly responsible for my losing battle against the ROH bottle. and yes, you DID sign off as The Man. shameless.


Happy birthday Melanie. Have fun with what's left of your life. Oh man, that didn't sound right. Haha.

no wonder i am so emo when i have friends like you, spoon-feeding me with the latest emo songs.



no message. WHAT THE FUCK!? you are banned from Kajang forever more.


Happy birthday Mel. I miss you lots here. Have a sweet 20th birthday there. I'll be waiting for you here... luv ya always and friendship foreVA muaks..

here there here everywhere! hahaha and you used a page of the chinese calendar..I KNOW!


Dear Melanie Ho, It's been a fucking good friendship we had ... *rambles on about langkawi, luna bar, pillows* Whether we stay in the 'hood or we...graduate from it...haha...whenever we walk and stalk into bars we shall always turn heads.

the mastermind of this whole fiasco..!

Mel, Happy birthday dear, Love you loads!

damn sad no effort in the photo boohoooohooo...hong yin had to add the 'i' there using MS Paint. and it was my photo to begin with! can i stamp my foot now?


Happy 20th Birthday! Wishing you many happy returns of the day! and let's drink to your health!! Cheers!!!

my wingman if i ever had one! how many times have we gotten drunk and witnessed each other rushing to the toilet bowl? too many times.

the reason why i'm suddenly bringing this up is because i've been redecorating my room! ok la not so much redecorating but more repositioning my photos. i would've done this sooner if it weren't for the fact that they were already stuck on my wall and i couldn't be fucked to peel the blu-tac off. so once again...THANKS GUYS I LOVE ALL OF YOU HEAPS (except wong weng yew wtf for not writing a birthday message and implying that i was a Loser)!

however, my best birthday present would have to be my black 80Gb iPod classic i got this year of which i have no photo right now. SWWEEEEEEEEETTTTTTT! thanks ma and pa.

there was once a boy who came up to me and told me that i was cold. i was very much surprised by what he said because i had never thought of myself that way. and what was even more surprising was that it came from him.

of course i vehemently denied his charges. i am not cold and i know it. or do i? the seed was planted and there was little i could do to stop its festering and its growth. i laughed it off because as self-preservation goes, that is the best you can do.

time passed by and still his words played itself in my head. at first i questioned myself. am i cold? really? but then the questions took a turn and soon, they ceased to be questions: they became an affirmation. i began telling myself, yes, he is right. you must be cold.

and so i carried those thoughts in my head and lived my life the way he imagined me to be. i made excuses for my so-called behaviour and consoled myself with the fact that it was a mechanism for, once again, self-preservation.

a few days ago whilst doing molecular work, something broke the mundane repetition of pipetting reagents i had weaved around myself. when i plunged into the ice where my samples were, a shard followed my hand out and came to rest on my finger. as i stared at it admiring its beauty which was simple yet strikingly piercing, it slowly shrunk and melted away into nothingness.

the moment it disappeared, something sparked itself to life at the back of my mind and i found myself thinking wryly: hmmm, i am not cold after all.

i am not cold.

the blood that rushes through every vein in my body is warm enough to melt ice.
the breath that escapes from my mouth creates mists and vapours as hot air meets cold surroundings.
the hands that i place on my mirror leaves a print in the form of condensation.
the tears that spill from my eyes streak and scald their way down my cheek.

and i loved.

i loved him the way stars burn.



but i don't think he ever knew.