Has it been too long? Maybe it has been too long. For so many years, this was the only outlet for my emotions, however big or small, petty or deep, anguished or joyous. I have to admit that much of it was saturated with a healthy dose of narcissism, but really, at the tender ages of 18-23, is there even any other way?

A few days ago, a series of events occurred to recall attention and memory to this blog of mine. You know how Facebook does these Photo Memories that happened X amount of years ago? Yes, exactly.

Reconnecting with old friends is such a strange phenomenon. We spend so much of our formative years with a select group of people, and then we grow up and move away and onward with our own stories, hurtling through Life, through jobs and careers and partners and ups and downs. It's so easy to forget, how for that slight number of years, we were all so important and integral to one another.

A few days ago, a friend and I walked the briefest of steps down memory lane and commented on how much we have changed over the past 13 years. I jokingly said that, of course, change is inevitable and asked if we went from wide-eyed optimism to jaded cynicism. He said yes, if you read through your blog, you can definitely detect the mood changing over the years. 

It's the last reminder of who we all used to be.

That was deep. A little too deep for a Thursday 7:32 AM sort of conversation. But he was right - it IS the last reminder of who we all USED to be. Who I used to be.

But that is another question that begs to be asked: if this blog represents who I used to be, then who am I now? #identitycrisis #welcometothenewageofhashtags

I used to love writing. Words spilled out of my finger tips like a faucet left on on high. Every day and every night, I would detail every aspect of my life. Poems, thoughts, opinions, everything was fair game. If I could type it out, it was being immortalised on the internet. And then one day, I cut my own feed and submitted to self-imposed radio silence. Why did I do that, I really couldn't say. It wasn't because I lost the love of words. If I really thought long and hard about it, and if I were to be truly honest with myself, I think I lost the appetite of broadcasting everything of me to the world, albeit the world being only a handful of constant readers. The abject vulnerability in some of my words proved too much for me to release to the public, and I guess I wanted to appear to be strong and in control.

Anyway, I am now 33 years old, and that self-consciousness that was never there when I was younger and then weirdly materialised when I was in my late 20s to the early-onset-30s, no longer exists. Of course, I hope to adopt more discretion with my topics of choice now, but I've come to realise that I don't want to lose this love of writing. Along with my love of reading, my love of eating, and my love of travelling, this is probably one of the only true loves that I have left that defines me.

So to the Waiks, if you're reading this still, know that you're the reason why this blog has resurrected. Maybe this is how Jesus felt after the whole Lazarus episode.

An old friend shared an internet link with me the other day, something about 10 life lessons that those approaching 30 (i.e., me) should already know. top on the list was money money money and getting your finances sorted.

For your convenience: http://markmanson.net/10-life-lessons-excel-30s

So, according to this list - which was based on what advice current 40-somethings would impart on their 30-year-old selves if they had the chance - the crux of the message was to save early and save as much as possible. After reading this list (which, in my honest opinion, was also filled with other cliched hocus 'advice' like 'loving yourself' and 'taking care of your health', which i guess isn't really hocus, but c'mon, *pfft* you don't need to tell me about that..ahem), it really started me thinking.

I guess in a way I am at a disadvantage in comparison to my peers. Friends my age (and even younger!) would have much healthier bank accounts than mine. Although I earned my first paycheck when I was 22, I have always lived a paycheck-to-paycheck life, jumping between casual jobs that paid well enough for me to maintain the sort of lifestyle I wanted, yet not enough to actually accrue any meaningful forms of savings. It also probably didn't help my cause that I voluntarily went to Antarctica for 2 years without any substantial pay, which resulted in me chewing up whatever scant form of savings I had. That being said, I was never in any terrible financial straits (although I once had to resort to borrowing money from friends until my next pay arrived) and, overall, I'd say I led a pretty come-what-may sort of life.

My current job is probably the first full-time 72 hours-a-fortnight job. As mentioned before, the pay isn't terrific, but I'm still managing to put away about 30% of my monthly salary away. From what I've read so far, if you are able to stash away 10% of your salary each month, that is a pretty good start, so I suppose I must be doing something right. However, I still worry that what I'm doing now is not good enough and not ENOUGH to make up for all those lost years of careless living (HAHA le sigh). Most of my peers are buying their first house and/or their first/second car, and, even though that is not something that I'm aspiring towards, I still don't think I am in any position to accomplish any of that even if I DID want to.

In a way, I still feel pretty irresponsible for a nearly-28-year-old. My mentality, sadly, is still very much focused and prioritised towards travel and experiences that would enrich me. I keep telling my colleagues at work that all I want to do is to be able to save up enough money to quit my job and go for a long holiday, and then, when I run out of money, to come back and find employment again and work enough to save for another holiday and then come back and work again to save up for another holiday and etc and etc.

How ah? Is this the curse of Generation Y? Or am I the anomalous one? I know there are a select few of my friends who feel this way (OK maybe just one) - but surely at some point in my life I'll snap out of this way of life?

new year, new beginnings. somehow, time constantly appears to slip away from me even as i convince myself that i have the upper hand. i can't begin to describe how my last months in have been; in a nutshell, it has been a mix of work and play, with a bit of discovery and exploration thrown in for posterity.

9 months on, and i'm still stumbling across new aspects of the city that i've never known before. and this is what i love most about melbourne. i suppose i should dust off my camera and start re-documenting the most livable city in the world.

in some ways, i feel so out of touch with my blog now. it used to be my one refuge during my early oh-so-sad years living in Australia, and words would flow out of me like the River Jordan breaking its banks. i wonder if it has to do with growing up and growing old? perhaps it is because i am no longer (not as much??) the self-centric narcissist that was once prone to taking selfies and having a tri-weekly whinge about how hard life and everything else was.

i suppose if i can stop being so lazy and apathetic, i could probably revive this again somehow. a weekly pictorial post, perhaps?

so it appears as though Melbourne is bent on throwing curve balls my way, in a good way though...i suppose (i'm trying to cover all my bases here).

after having lived in fascinating Brunswick for the past 6 months, the Rental Gods have decided that we were becoming too comfortable and complacent in one spot, and have thus influenced the owners of our current accommodation to want to move back in and in the process, to kick us out. boo. the thought of having to search for a new home and repacking my things (some of which are STILL unpacked) was evidently a little stressful, but in the end, all of us will have a new place to stay, without the necessity of anyone of us squatting in the living room of friends.

after much deliberation, i decided that i would move in with Adam. i am kind of relieved, because it also means paying less rent than i do now, but at the same time, i'm a bit nervous. i have always enjoyed having my own space, some place where i can completely mess up/decorate without having to answer to anybody. however, now, i have to be mindful of someone else, someone who is more tidy and owns far less clutter than i do. le sigh. on the upside though, i can now watch episodes of Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis every night. I will also be staying smack bang in the middle of Melbourne city...CITY LIVING YO! living in the city?? that i'm pretty excited about.

in other less exciting news, work is still trundling along. i am also no longer a bond-slave to the Credit Card Department of the Commonwealth Bank of Australia. as of tonight, i have repaid them all my debts whoo hooo! being debt-less is an amazing feeling.

hello to you, if you are reading this, and it has been so long! i didn't mean to drop off the interweb (AGAIN!) but I suppose life got in the way. so much has happened since my last entry and i feel i should do justice to you and to myself be giving a quick rundown on what has been happening.

so - life went on a slow, yet not-so-slow start upon my big move to Melbourne. you may remember that i was feeling a bit helpless and moody and slightly depressed about my depleting bank account, increasing credit card debt and overall sense of joblessness during the first couple of months. on hindsight, i think i was being a little too naive. i had never been exposed to the realities of the working world, and in my head, i honestly thought i would swan into Melbourne, send out job applications, receive loads of calls to interviews and have a job lined up and started within 3 weeks.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA. let me take a moment's rest to wipe the tears of mirth from my eyes.

anyway, as we all know, that didn't happen. sure, i went for a few interviews, but overall it was slim pickings. the powers that be who were in charge of jobs that i really wanted didn't think i had what it took to fulfill their job description. bummer, but oh well, c'est la vie. in the end i landed an interview with a food testing laboratory in the role of a chemical analyst. i wasn't too sure if that was the path i wanted to be heading down, but hey, when you owe Commonwealth Bank over $2k, you take whatever you can get. in the end, the company did hire me, and i've been working with them for 2 months as of now.

strangely enough, i'm really enjoying my work. the pay isn't great (the pay is shit) but the people are really nice, the atmosphere is very relaxed, there is no politics, the work is interesting to me as someone coming in from a completely different field of study, plus it is a 10-minute commute from my current dwelling. i'm not sure if it's something i'd want to continue on for a longer term (my current contract for now is 6-months with a STRONG CHANCE of becoming a permanent staff) but i guess we'll see how it goes once my contract is about to come to an end.

aside from work, i'm really starting to feel at home in melbourne. it is weird to think that i've already been here for 4 months. it doesn't feel that long a time, but then, it also doesn't feel as though i've been anywhere else BUT melbourne. i miss sydney sometimes, friends, cousins, chu heee, the beaches...but other than that, everything in melbourne is able to satisfy my needs. i've been actively exploring the city and its by-lanes, alleyways and in-between-buildings with Adam on the weekends and getting involved with the whole cultural aspect of the city: attending film festivals, visiting buildings involved in Open House Melbourne, popping into the National Gallery of Victoria to see a collection of artworks by Monet, and etc. it is something i never did when I lived in Sydney, because i could never be bothered, or because i always thought "yea I have all the time in the world". it's a pity really, because i think Sydney had so much to offer too, except i was blind and not motivated enough to get my ass moving. i don't want to fall into the same sense of complacency and have the same thing to happen to me here in Melbourne.

i'm absolutely loving it here. i wish i did it sooner. but that being said, the timing was never right, and perhaps i wouldn't have felt as strongly about it as i do now. oh well, as i said before, c'est la vie.








My view each day while waiting for the train to take me home from work.

i have always been told that people change as they get older - sure. physical appearances, habits and preferences, i see that happening even in myself: once i was an outgoing lotus eater who partied till the wee hours of the morn (not really), and now, at the ripe old age of 27, all i want to do during my weekends is stay at home, curled up on the couch with a good movie/book and a bowl of ice-cream? party till the sun comes up? fuck that. it's 2 a.m., two hours too late and i need my fucking sleep.

my apologies, i digress.

like i said, i know people change with age and time. however, a part of me thought that something as fundamental as your personality and traits remain with you now until forever. how wrong i was.

when i was younger, my habit was to pour forth all my fears, grievances, stress, trials and tribulations into my blog, into anyone's ears, into the public domain - i wanted everyone to know how shit my day was, how much i suffered (not really, but i guess i was prone to dramatics), and to share with me their sympathy and commiserations. that was then, this is now. now, i am learning that i withdraw into myself, that my problems are my own, that i hate sympathy, and again, that i withdraw, further and further into myself. i stop writing anything because i worry that crucial information may slip out and be twisted out of proportion, that i will get unsolicited help or phone calls that do nothing more than compound the feelings that i am already going through.

this move to a new city, i am not regretting it - far from it, i LOVE being here. i love this new and old set of friends that i have to keep me company daily, i love that i get to spend time with Adam in a real sense and not in some hyper-warped-frozen-fantasy-wonderland, i love the new places i am discovering, i love the old places i'm returning to, i even love the weather (although truth be told, there is very little to love about it). i would probably love it more if things had gone according to plan; 3-score applications submitted, two interviews and multiple rejections later, i am still unemployed and counting church change. i didn't think it would take this long, or be this hard or competitive, but you know what? i knew it all along. i knew it wasn't going to be easy and so i'm just going to have to deal with it in my own way. i am still miles better off than Tony who sits on the steps outside Melbourne Central with his 'Please Help' sign. not that i'm equating myself to a homeless person, i doubt it'll ever come to that (HAHA have you heard of this joke involving a Science Degree and a cardboard box?). sometimes, you just forget to be thankful about the little things, and it is these little things that truly count. to be sure, my ego has taken a bit of a denting, i mean, am i not fit or worthy to be hired?? but i think that is just youthful ignorance and arrogance talking - and perhaps it is good that they being put into place.

ANYHOW. i am alive and well. i am eating more vegetables than i have ever had in my last 26 years combined. i am happy and keeping busy. i know i dropped off the face of consciousness for a little while but i guess i am back. till next time.

Antarctica, I miss you.

Tonight, I was going to write something along the lines of how I've booked my ticket for Melbourne (arrival 3.40pm, 20 April), how I'm suddenly feeling nervous/scared/apprehensive/all of the above, and how i have to figure out a way of cutting apart all these imaginary strings running out of me and attaching themselves to various things that is Sydney.

However, I made the mistake of going through This-Week-At-Davis, and then I went through This-Week-At-Casey, and then This-Week-At-Mawson, and then I browsed the website for the Elysium Exhibition on Antarctica, and then I browsed through my own photos taken in Antarctica, and now...I'm here.

I desperately miss the 'Tarc. I miss the coldness (I know, don't ask). I miss the white glariness of the ice and snow. I miss looking up into the night and staring into a sea of stars that go on forever and ever. I miss the quietness and solitude. I miss the amazing displays of oh-so-rare Auroras. I miss the smelly penguins, fuck I even miss the smelly farting burping seals. I miss the people and the camaraderie. I miss the sense of adventure. I miss the times when it starts to snow ever so softly and gently and everything gets covered in a soft, white and fluffy blanket. I miss having the cinema and its thousands of cinematic choices. I miss the solemn and majestic icebergs. I miss the Sorsdal. (The only thing I don't miss is the wind).

I miss my old life there.

I truly understand now, what they mean when they talk about getting ice in your veins. I wish teleport machines have been invented. I'm not exactly desperate and dying to spend another 14 months on the ice...I'd just like to be able to visit for a week or so, get my fill of the place again and then say Adios. I guess I'll just have to dream myself back into that old familiar and comfortable life. A life free from worries and petty day-to-day bothers; free from mobile phones and telemarketers; free from rent, grocery shopping and cooking (apart from the occasional slushy day); free from bills and financial obligations.

A life free from reality.