Words.

“…will miss you loads, take care! I’ll see you in November!! Till then, *Hugs*…”

I remember shaking my head when I read those words. A part of me was incredulous; a part of me was exasperated; a part of me wanted to smile, a part of me wanted to cry. You probably didn’t realize it but the moments that you hurt me the most were the moments where you seemingly cared.

I didn’t want you to care because I thought that would be the best way to get over you. And I know I’m right. But you never stopped caring, and I never did get over you. And for that, I hated you. I tried distancing myself away from. I deleted all your sms-es from my phone except the one above. I erased all your pictures from my laptop. I tried not talking to you unless it was absolutely necessary. I stopped talking about you to other people unless absolutely necessary. And for awhile, it worked.

It worked magically.

Until one day when everything went horribly wrong. You said something you shouldn’t have. I replied in a way I shouldn’t have. And it ended in tears on my part…for your part, I’d never know. That was when I poured out everything to you. All you did was nod, sigh and offer your help, help which I did not need. 6 months on, I realize that that was the one most idiotic thing I could have ever done.

. . .

Maybe I’m being overly sensitive or just a tad too wishful. You never said you liked me or that you even had an inkling of feelings for me…but then, you never said you didn’t as well. It has always been me professing my feelings and you nodding and offering me help to get through it. But don’t you see? Help is not what I want from you. I don’t need your help, I just need a clear answer: Would you or would you not reciprocate my feelings? That’s something you’ve never told me. And if you did, even if it’s a NO, it would still be more helpful than leaving me hanging here in limbo.

Now I’m weighed down with all these questions that I want to ask you. I want to know why you did what you did that night. I want to know why you held my hand the entire time. I want to know why you keep apologizing. Are you apologizing for leading me on? I want to know why when you hugged me the night before I left; the hug went on for a little longer than it should’ve been. I want to know how you felt when I said all the hurtful things to you. I want to know how you felt when I poured out all my feelings to you. Did you not feel anything?

I want to know why you told her that I was like the fish that got away and that you thought you’d never do me justice. Did you ever think of asking me instead? I want to know why you made up my mind for me. What are you hoping for?

November’s not that far away, you know. What are we gonna do then?