the fourth time.

it is no secret; my dislike about being in sydney. from the very start of the first year of my degree to now, i would have gladly chosen to remain in kl and stay put if given the chance. of course, though, this feeling ebbs and flows; sometimes i push it to the back of my mind and forget about it, and for awhile, i remain contented...but at other times, this feeling of hate (yes, hate, and i'm not afraid to use it) rushes up my throat and through my whole being that it makes me want to vomit, curl up in bed and go to sleep just so that time would pass more quickly.

with only 4 more days ahead of me before i return to sydney, i've been feeling more and more depressed. every year, the same cycle happens: i ask myself what i'm doing in sydney and why. then, i tell myself that i'm pursuing what i love best...that i'm carving up for myself a future. finally, when i'm satisfied with my answer, i fly back calmed.

yet, this year more so than any other, i find myself wishing and wondering why i didn't just go down a more conventional path. i whine and moan and tell myself that i should've done something like business or accounts or mass comm, that i should've chosen a degree that could've been completed in malaysia (or at least one that would've allowed me to spend a significant amount of time here), that i should never have gone to sydney.

and the magnitude of it scares me a little, because then it would mean that i'm acknowledging the fact that i've made a wrong decision regarding my life...and one that can't be easily remedied. also, it would mean that i'm a hypocrite. i've always been terribly harsh on people who are critics of marine science, yet here i am lamenting about how i shouldn't have done it.

very confusing. i love my degree. but i love my family, friends and home more.

a month is just not enough.