1.46 am.

I've always had this love-hate relationship with Sydney. And at the best of times, it would STILL be more hate than love. After spending 2 consecutive years there, I've still not been able to make myself love that place so much as to want to uproot myself, apply for a PR, get a permanent job and spend the rest of my years dealing in AUD.

2 years down the road and i still want to come home.

I ask myself all the time, Why this blatant dislike for Sydney? I mean, it's cool. It has the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge. Very pretty structures; architecture-enthusiasts would definitely appreciate it. Then there are million and one pubs all over the city...all over EVERYWHERE! Alcohol is so accessible there and no one discriminates against you or forms some sort of judgement if they see you holding a pint of Toohey's Extra Dry even if it IS 3.35 pm. And let's not forget about the whole white-man atmosphere. I'm in WhiteMan-Land...I'm guessing that plenty of asians would love to have an opportunity as i have.

But it is for all these reasons that i hate being in Sydney sometimes. the whole big-city vibe. everyone rushing everywhere. people with stoned faces walking down George or Pitt Streets. drunks who stumble onto buses and sit beside you. homeless people who lie about on walkways with their sob-stories written on pieces of cardboard. the girl who comes up to you with a Hare Krishna Foundation bucket appealing for donations every damned day.

All this with a backdrop of the amazing light-and-sound show that is Sydney with it's tall sky scrapers and metal-and-glass buildings. high-society. sophistication. glamour.

Everytime i find myself in the city, especially, i just feel as though i'm being sucked into this giant vacuum of buses and trains and urgency. where no one cares. it's like staring at a giant multi-faceted crystal ball and having dust on your finger as you trace it across the surface. it looks perfect but it's not.

But then when i leave the city and travel down country roads where trees line the sides..Or when i'm taking the train up to the Blue Mountains..Or when i see amazingly beautiful flowers blooming in suburban gardens when i'm out for a jog..i realise why i'm still sane enough to remain in this place and not have gone crying and screaming back to my parents, demanding for a one-way ticket back to KL. i've realised that when you strip Sydney of its tall towers and quaint over-priced cafes, and model-ish looking people with gigantic sunnies...what you get is a really pretty country.

The views are amazing. the scenery is spectacular. driving from Orange to Canowindra where all you can see is flat pastoral land dotted with flowers and the occasional herd of cows/sheep or horses and the blue blue sky overhead with not a single cloud...all this with the windows wound down and DeathCab playing...it's like a dream. if ever i'm gonna consider staying in Sydney for ever, these factors will be on the 'Pro' column.

I'm such a stickler for nature. sigh. my mom thinks i've got my priorities twisted up.

The truth is..i've only got myself about a month's time before i'm shuttled back to Sydney. and it's making me really sad now because as always, time passes so damn fast. and i'm even more sad because my parents don't want me coming home at the end of this year...they want me to stay put in sydney and WORK. sigh. the injustice. so right now i'm stuck with this mentality that every bowl of pan mee i eat, every vist i take to seremban or klang, every sunday church service i sit through..may potentially be my last one..for at least quite a long while.

it's very morbid and depressing you know.

And to make things worse..my parents don't want me coming back to Malaysia...because they think that this country holds no future for me. which saddens me a lot too because this is my HOME and if i do not come HOME where do i go to? i'd love to be able to come back to KL to work...but because of colour issues etc my parents think i should just stay put in Sydney. in fact, that's the general consensus from all the aunties and uncles that i meet. but if talent keep abandoning Malaysia for 'brighter prospects', this country will become 'extinct'..sooner than later. Dilemma now. garhgarghawfbaefeuAFLAogfnaeutasefnwoet.

I just want to be able to come home.

whoa long ramble. need sleep. bye.