Week 28: Too morose for the first day of spring? Yes? No?

Every time I take notice of the date, I am surprised that it’s still 2009. It feels to me as though it’s been a very long while since I saw the fireworks exploding over Mont Kiara heralding in the new year. Yet it is only September. It is only September and already I feel like too much has happened. This year has overshot its quota for ‘Sensational Happenings, Unbelievable News and Things To Do’ and I don’t know what I should do to return things back to normal – back to the way it was when things were boring, predictable and safe.

I have never been good at handling sorrow, grief, hurt or pain. To say that I’m horribly non-confrontational would just be repeating what I’ve said a million times over in my writing. When presented with something that I can’t find ways of dealing with, I tend to run away. Or buat bodoh. Yes, I am truly the queen of buat bodoh buat tak tau sometimes because more often than not, there is truth in ‘Ignorance is Bliss’. But when I can’t run away or buat bodoh anymore, my last drastic measure is to cut whatever that’s troubling me from sight, mind, memory and life.

Of late, I have been doing just that. I did try to run away but it didn’t work. I tried to buat bodoh, but you can’t really buat bodoh about anything if it’s hanging over your head day in and night out with the same insistency of a dripping tap drip drip drip all night long. So, running out of options, I succumbed to pressure and have been living my life in a very Lacuna Inc-esque manner. I can’t say that it’s fantastic but it certainly helps.

If I don’t see, I don’t think, I don’t recall or I don’t know, then it ceases to exist. And when it becomes non-existential, well, all properties associated with it will disappear, pain included. It may seem harsh or even severe to some people, but this is the only way I know to do it. If you can think of debilitating problem memories as a kind of toxin to your soul, the best approach for a cure would be just to purge it out of your system. Therein lies the magic and wonder of Lacuna Inc.