Week 18: Photoshop enabled me to undergo pain-free plastic surgery!

all these while, adobe photoshop seemed to me like the stuff made out of dreams and legends. i'd heard so much about it...the positive testimonials from its ardent followers and devotees were overwhelming.

EVERYONE swears by adobe photoshop. it makes you look prettier, hotter, more good-looking! it magically removes unwanted lumps and bits of fat! it makes the grass greener and the skies bluer! it comforts angsty teens with acne outbreak! it supports democracy! it eradicates poverty! it advocates world peace! and the last i heard, IT CURED CANCER!

as you can tell, i have a sort-of unholy fascination with photoshop. however, a combination of bad luck, low free disk space and a 30-day-trial of PSD which ran out meant that i could never fully dabble and test my proficiency with the programme. also, prior to my 30-day trial i had been warned that photoshop was insanely hard to get a handle on...and may i say, that warning was spot-on! the mechanics to photoshop is a bitch and me being me, i couldn't give a flying shit about reading the help manual.

3 years later and now i'm using a relatively easy online photo editing software called picnik. it's no fuss, straightforward and easy to use. however, all it does is edit the colour quality of the photos and you can't do much image manipulation except for adding little cartoons or text. it's nothing to shout about but hey, i'm easily satisfied.

so imagine my surprise when i found out that the little nondescript computer in the byrne lab had photoshop! i started scrambling for that xiaxue video aptly titled How To Use PS 101 (or something to that degree) and began photoshopping!

and you know what? IT'S TRUE! EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN SAID ABOUT PHOTOSHOP IS TRUE! i love photoshop! but then again, there is this small niggling thought at the back of my head condemning photoshop as well...i will elaborate later. i know i will probably regret this but for now, let me show you the fruits of my labour #1!


i know the 'After' photo is before the 'Before' photo. let you see my pretty photoshopped face first la before dragging you back to the reality i.e. my true face!

i didn't do much colour manipulation as i was just starting out. however, check out my face! IT'S NOT SO SQUARE ANYMORE! fuck, i actually look quite decent! so that's how i would look like if i had the sides of my jaw surgically removed! or at least, if i had the pointy sharp ends of my jaw filed down! OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! WHY AM I SO FUCKING SQUARE!?

ok ok..moving on to the fruits of my labour #2!



in this photo, i also de-squared my face but it does not end there! compare the top and the bottom photo! can't see it? I GAVE MYSELF A WAIST OMFGARDENIA! i look like a size 6 now! and i also turned hezrie into a leaner and meaner fighting machine! omg la why am i so nice like that? so that's how i would look like THIN! that's it la, i'm officially in love with photoshop.

and now, for the coup de grace - the fruits of my labour #3!



HOLY SHIT LA! that's it la i'm going for plastic surgery when i get enough money. this is fucking ridiculous la the after-me looks so much presentable and decent than the before-me. i would hit on the after-me, but the before-me?! *pukes slightly in mouth* once again, i de-squared my face and pushed down my hairline so that my forehead looked less like a helipad and more like an actual functioning normal forehead. and i also trimmed my nose abit by making it smaller and a teeny bit sharper in an effort to save it from its flatness.

ya tuhanku, thanks to photoshop i have discovered what i have always suspected to be true - my face is just too fucking square it's a disgrace and i need a nose job to transform my too-flat nose into something respectable-looking. it has helped reveal all my physical flaws to me and i don't know whether to hate it or be grateful! on one hand, i know what to tell my plastic surgeon in the future about how i want the job done. but on the other hand, i don't think i can ever look at myself in the mirror and be contented, AND I KNOW THAT NEITHER ONE OF YOU READING THIS WILL EVER BE ABLE TO LOOK AT ME AGAIN WITHOUT THINKING FUCK SHE'S RIGHT HER FACE IS TOO FUCKING SQUARE!

sigh..have i just killed my own market? did i send my saham crashing downdowndown to the depths of infinity like the Great 1929 Depression? WHY PHOTOSHOP, WHY?!