Once upon a time in Kajang

Dear readers, gather around please. Switch off that mobile phone. Close all your MSN chat windows. Turn off that iPod. I'm about to tell you a story. A story that involves treachery, betrayal, anguish, and ultimately the triumph of love. This is a story about how I met Miss Elaine Yap Yee Leng.

Everyone's familiar with the whole love-at-first-sight scenario. But our relationship was more special...it was instant-hate-at-first-sight and you know anything that results from such beginnings can only be destined for greater things.



On foresight, Miss Yap seemed innocent enough. Examine her symmetrically-parted hair; her fail-proof glasses; her crisp, starched and ironed blue uniform; everything about her screams sugar, spice and all things nice. However, deep beneath that seemingly angelic facade lurks a personality more disturbing than a freshly opened jar of strawberry jam with a long, thick and greasy strand of curly hair embedded in it.

Disturbing.

The first cracks in her carefully planned charade began to show when she started stealing nondescript little items from me. Like my sunnies.



And my Moet & Chandon champagne cork. I mean, WTF?



Being not of petty nature, I let the incidences go, telling myself that it's just one of her peculiarities. However, her peculiarities began to graduate towards greater 'items'.

She started stealing my friends.



As if that wasn't enough...she started stealing my parents away from me due to the convenience that I wasn't in the country anymore. A ridge began forming between my parents and myself because they said that I wasn't thoughtful enough. Their argument was that,

"Elaine sent both Mummy and Pa 'Happy Mother's Day' and 'Happy Father's Day' greetings via sms but you didn't even give a squeak!"



Very very sinister.

And when she's not after my objects or the people around me, she's trying to steal my limelight.



Miss Yap is what I would call a camwhore queen and an exceptionally high-standard-ed poser. Look at her stoner faces, her LC faces, her I-am-a-pure-blank-white-canvas faces. Knowing that I could never reach such great heights as her, she resolves to rub it into my face at every given opportunity.

Not content with causing damage to my being, she threatens to wreck havoc onto society as well.



Thanks to her, my circle of friends and I are now fledging alcoholics. And because of her, we are also shisha addicts. And trust me, anyone who is capable of doing the kawaii-two-fingered-oh-i'm-so-CUTE sign whilst behind the wheel of a Perodua Kelisa driving at 100km/h is someone you've gotta beware of. Watch out for BGJ 8116, you've been warned.

But for all her eccentricities, I have to admit that I love LOVE LOVE Miss Elaine Yap Yee Leng. I love her because she was the first face I saw the moment I stepped out onto the arrival hall at KLIA. I love her because she's willing to go on spontaneous shopping sprees with me. I love her because she can always be counted upon when I want to go out yumcha. I love her because she's my jogging partner. I love her because she makes fabulous pizza. I love her because she downloads Bleach anime for me. And I absolutely love her because she drives an X-Trail (technically owned by Mr. Yap).



That is why I'm taking this opportunity to wish her a

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY!

And because tradition decrees it, I HAVE to put up an embarassing photo. It's written in the Great Book of Nature's Law by Charles Darwin and Isaac Newton. I can't argue with Darwin or Newton because I would just look silly.



Yes, dear readers. Passed out is the new Way Of The Future.

Once again...

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY, ELAINE!!

damn it woman, I won't be seeing you in KLIA this time around when I return home. SHIT, the X-TRAIL..how?!!?