Ballet shoes and crocodiles.

Last night i dreamt of you. We were at your house together with a whole bunch of other people who were dear to me. But the central character was you.



We went upstairs and you showed me your ballet shoes.

I remember how you used to love watching me
put on my stockings and tie my hair up in a chignon,
preparing myself for my ballet class.
You would come together with me into the car
and your grandfather would drive us to the dance centre.

This time around, you proudly handed your ballet shoes to me. They were beautiful, soft pink and made of the best satin. The ribbons were of the perfect length.

You handed your shoes over to me and told me try them on. I did and it fitted perfectly. Then you told me, I'm finally able to take ballet lessons now, as i was tying up the ribbons. I cried when I heard you say that. You dried my tears and told me to teach you some of the positions. I told you I couldn't remember and you said,

Of course you do.

Wearing your shoes, I went from first position into pointe; standing on the very tip of my toes. You stared at me wide-eyed and started clapping when i completed my pirouette. Then you said, I will be able to do that soon, as i started untying the ribbons and handed your shoes back to you.



We went back downstairs where everyone else was gathered. Without a moment's notice, everyone jumped on top of the chairs, making sure that they're body was entirely within the confines of the chairs. I looked around astonished and you told me to hurry up on to a cushion or else the crocodile would get me.

It was then that I realised what was going on. We were playing a game that we always used to play when we were kids. We were the prey on chairs while the crocodile lurked at the bottom of the swamp waiting to catch anyone of us who slipped up. What ensued was screaming, squeals, laughter, yells and frantic gestures at each other whenever the crocodile approached.



When the game ended, we were all hot and sweaty and you said you've never been able to play as wantonly and carefree as you did today.

I remember how everytime we played the game
you'd have to sit and rest after a few rounds.
You would always be sitting at the top of the stairs
watching me and your sisters and cousins tear around on the chairs.
You would always be cheering the crocodile on.

We laughed along with each other and I told you that I was glad you were finally able to experience the game to the fullest.

You said Thank You and then the crocodile walked up to me and you were gone.

The dream was very vivid. 4 hours later and the images and scenes are still playing itself in my mind. You may not know this, but your death made a huge impact on my life. It's been nigh on 2 years and still I cannot bring myself to terms with it. But maybe things will be a little different now. You are doing ballet and you can play. Maybe I should be happy.