Rain go away.

i can still remember it vividly.
i remember your fingers in my hair.
i remember you running them through it.
i remember you told me that i had done good.
and then we talked.

and for that split second i felt that everything was perfect.
everything felt so real
and that it couldn't have been anything else.
and then we talked.

and we talked
about my future
and what i was going to do
and how you'd be there with me
and we talked more.

and then you gave me a kiss

on the forehead
trailed your fingers through my hair once more
and you walked away.

and when i woke
i could still feel your fingers running through my hair
and your kiss on my forehead.

Damn reality.

It is now 4 pm and it has not stopped raining since from the moment my eyes first opened..which was at 7 in the morning. it's gloomy, it's wet, it's cold and it's befitting the mood that i'm in right now.

over lunch, my elder cousins were talking about their experiences with my grandma. they used to live with her when they were younger, i think as a full-time thing...i think. they were telling me tales of how my grandma cooked according to her moods, when she was in a good mood the food was amazing, when she was in a bad mood, you'd get small bits of pork bone in the porridge. then they'd tell me what a disciplinary figure she was. that when she caned the two of them, she wouldn't hold back.

in a way, i quite enjoy these little insights to my grandma. i've never really had an exceptionally strong bond with her. ever since i was little, i wasn't a really affectionate little child. i find it really interesting to know that this side of her existed.

both my cousins, i can say, are quite attached to my grandma, in a way that i don't think i can ever be. in a way, i envy them. being the littlest of the lot, i've never been caned or yelled at by my grandma, which i assumed, would've put her into my good book. but that didn't happen.

i always saw her as just someone who's sitting at the top ladder of hierarchy, someone i had to pay obediance to, someone whom i had to give a goodbye kiss everytime i left the matriarchal home. no love won, no love lost.

somehow, at my age now, i feel as though i'm missing out on something. i've seen my friends with their grandparents and how close they can be with them. then i look at myself and my relationship with MY grandparents and it just seems hollow...superficial.

not only am i not close with my maternal grandmother, i can solemnly tell you that i'm even more distant with my paternal grandfather. the other two died when i was relatively young.

therefore i've now resolved that when i return home, i'll try to make amends and put more effort into getting to know them. i don't want a good relationship with my grandparents to go into my list of Something I'll Never Experience. right now, the items on the list are:

Something I Will Never Experience:
1. Having siblings.

i know it's short. and i intend to keep it that way.