When literature smiles upon you.

Books maketh the person. Either that’s a damn good line or you haven’t been reading enough. Indeed, I will now come up with a How-To article on becoming a superb writer and literary know-all…or pretend to become a superb writer and literary know-all.

Never ever be afraid to spout titles from the likes of Umberto Eco; “Isn’t Foucalt’s Pendulum/ Name of the Rose/*insert favourite title here* one of the greatest neo-classical-mediaval book ever written?” Always remember to sprinkle big words such as ‘neo-classical’, ‘avant-garde’ or ‘metaphorical characterization’ into your speech even though you know chicken-shit what they mean. Watching people scrunch up their faces trying to make up what you’ve just said and then trying to cover up by actually trying to make you think that they understand you is great fun.

Enter the world of Penguin Classics books. Ordinary-bland-uninteresting people read books like Sweet Valley, Christopher Pike, Harry Potter, Maeve Binchy, and the ever dreaded romance novels…urgh. For the literary genius however, the only books worth the burning of calories from the rolling of the eyeballs over the words are written by the Bronte Sisters, Jane Austen, Thackeray, Oscar Wilde etc; with such titles at hand, you’re guaranteed to blow away even the most banal and skeptical person in your little social group and finally getting him/her to acknowledge that they’re mingling with someone who’s a cut above the rest.

Money may not buy happiness, but it sure as hell can buy you damn a lot of books; if you have money, do not spend it on useless stuff such as iPods, chocolates, weed, alcohol or Lee Hom cds, if you do not have money, beg, borrow or steal until you have enough to buy yourself a decent book. You know that the final pay-off will be sweet.

Learn to cultivate an over-active imagination. It helps when you have to write a 1000-word descriptive essay for your final South Australian Matriculation English-As-A-Second-Language exam in the allotted time slot of 2 hours. The puffy pink clouds rolled across the clear azure sky is always a good opening for any essay dealing with nature, birthdays, picnics, homecoming of the cocaine induced son/daughter; believe me, I know. Even though the mood of your essay is supposed to be dark and gloomy, just put that sentence as the opening line...chances are you’ll impress your teacher so much that she’ll give you a big fat A in the end for good effort (and excellent use of vocabulary).

Read. As much as you can. Read as many books as your little brain will allow you to. You’ll be surprised that this is in fact one of the easiest way to becoming a superb writer and literary know-all.

Groom yourself into becoming an aloof, moody, sensitive, black-wearing creature and topping the whole thing off with a little black beret sipping champagne from a flute glass while visiting contemporary art galleries; as you should know, all famous writers are moody, aloof, sensitive artistic beings AND they always wear black…take Virginia Woolf for example, there’s a lady who’s aloof, moody and sensitive although I’m not too sure about her wearing black. Learn to put on a constipated face and look offended when someone asks you if you’ve read the latest book by David Eddings. “Oh dah-link, commercially-mass-produced titles for the ordinary public do not sit well with me…I only read books that can be found in little art-noveaue bookstores.” Remember the above mantra…always insert words that you KNOW will impress even your non-english-speaking grandparents even though you know chicken-shit about what it means. You WILL seem sophisticated and give an impression of being a literary know-all and a superb writer.

p.s. This was written in an induced state of extreme extended boredom.

pps. I apologize to all Lee Hom's fans...it was just a metaphorical example.

ppps. If you're feeling bored as i am too...try picking out the first letter in every sentence. you might have been asking yourself why it's been bolded. if you haven't, shame on you, you're not very observant are you?